托福写作批改：关于儿童的教育

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Parents today are more involved in children’s education than were parents in the past.

学生原文：

When it comes to education, many people believe it plays an increasingly important role in personal development. For my part, I am inclined to support the statement that parents nowadays pay much more attention compared with those in the past.

One of the primary cause is that there are more education institutions than before and parents have more money available to invest in education as well. In the past, school is the only approach to receiving education. On contrast, numerous outside school training centers exist in modern society. It is common that current parents encourage their kids at young ages to attend extracurricular courses or interest groups. Besides, people now are living a wealthier life than before. In most developing countries, it is extravagant for kids to learn piano or violin 30 years ago whereas today the money spent on buying an instrument is not a great proportion in people’s overall expense. Furthermore, parents who did not put much emphasis on children’s education are afraid that kids of their own will lag behind. As a result, they choose to follow suit and get more involved in that matter.

What is also a noticing fact is that contemporary parents employ more sagacious ways to make their children educated. For instance, in stead of punishing children if they failed in exams like parents in the past, parents at present usually adopt scientific methods to deal with problems, such as communicating with teachers or talking to kids patiently. What is more, comparing to past parents who compel students to focus in school work, parents now tend to excavate children’s talents and help them to further develop their advantages. An excellent example could be found to cite: Li Yundi, a renowned pianist, ascribes his achievements to his mother. When finding Li’s gift in playing the piano, his mother quit her job as a dancer in order to accompany him to learn piano in another city.

Admittedly, parents now are impossible to surpass those in the past in all aspects of kids’ education. For example, current parents often ignore transmit traditional culture and etiquette. To be more precise, parents in the past days especially educated children to be humble and generous. As a contrast, children’s nowadays are much more self-centered due to lack of education from parents.

In conclusion, although I agree that there are some areas current parents neglect in children’s education, they are no doubt more dedicated to children’s education than parents in the past.

   小站教育老师批改后：

When it comes to education, many people believe it plays an increasingly important role in personal development. For my part, I am inclined to support the statement that parents nowadays pay much more attention compared with those in the past.【暂时做不到精彩的时候 简单利落也是一种风格】

One of the primary cause 【 causes】is that there are more education institutions than before and parents have more money available to invest in education as well. 【分论据这点总洁性要强 而且尽量要出彩】In the past, school is the only approach to receiving education. On contrast,【 on the contrary, in contrast 】numerous outside school training centers exist in modern society. It is common that current parents encourage their kids at young ages to attend extracurricular courses or interest groups. Besides, people now are living a wealthier life than before. In most developing countries, it is extravagant for kids to learn piano or violin 30 years ago whereas today the money spent on buying an instrument is not a great proportion in people’s overall expense. Furthermore, parents who did not put much emphasis on children’s education are afraid that kids of their own will lag behind. As a result, they choose to follow suit and get more involved in that matter.【还可以 句子需要精炼点;论证这样也恶意 ;但是多样化会更利于你表达】

What is also a noticing fact is that contemporary parents employ more sagacious ways to make their children educated.【短小精悍的句子用好了也很招阅卷老师喜欢 特别是分论点的时候 不过太过于朴实也不好 注意下次积累显摆几个出彩的句型词组会更好哦】 For instance, in stead of punishing children if they failed in exams like parents in the past, parents at present usually adopt scientific methods to deal with problems, such as communicating with teachers or talking to kids patiently. What is more, comparing【ed】to past parents who compel students to focus in school work, parents now tend to excavate children’s talents and help them to further develop their advantages. An excellent example could be found to cite: Li Yundi, a renowned pianist, ascribes his achievements to his mother. When finding Li’s gift in playing the piano, his mother quit her job as a dancer in order to accompany him to learn piano in another city. 【短尾可以在总结一下 回到段首的分论点上 会显得论证逻辑更有了总结 就又回到分论点上了;觉得你论证逻辑还是蛮连贯严谨的 这里举了个例子后在总结一下分论点绕回去比较好。其实论证方法无非就是那几类 一句话分两句说 流线型推;从论点到个例 个例到大众 从而论点得证加缜密】

Admittedly, parents now are impossible to surpass those in the past in all aspects of kids’ education. For example, current parents often ignore transmit traditional culture and etiquette. To be more precise, parents in the past days especially educated children to be humble and generous. As a contrast, children’s nowadays are much more self-centered due to lack of education from parents.【让步段千万不能让太狠】

In conclusion, although I agree that there are some areas current parents neglect in children’s education, they are no doubt more dedicated to children’s education than parents in the past.

这篇我们好好来讲讲我觉的你应该提高的地方。以前有个学生问我他的独立写作感觉很不错为什么才得了fair。他写了450字左右，我以前也看过他写的东西，句子通顺，很少有明显的语法错误，但是他很少使用虚拟、倒装这些东西。你想想，字数400左右、句子通顺、结构完整、有论点有细节，这些都是最基本的要求，大家都能做到。如果别人同时还运用了很多复杂的句子结构而你没有使用，你怎么可能拿到高分？一篇文章里，强调句、倒装句、虚拟语气、the more the more 句型、并列结构、比较关系 这些都应该有所包含，比如倒装句，用习惯了是很简单的。但你这方面意识不强烈。

我觉得你的文章结构ok，但问题出在你论述的过程不够严谨，看看打了不少字，其实意思还是稍显单薄，所以你应该在论述的严密性，观点的逻辑关系和思维深度上多下功夫。至于文字比较平实,没有什么硬伤,但也没什么明显的亮点或者地道表达.从句用的还ok。

我建议你在平时可以多积累一些高级词汇用以替换那些用烂了的基本词汇。在掌握了一定高级词汇的基础上，对句子就应有更高要求。

23分，继续加油！