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托福写作批改:[独立][TPO35]高分作文推荐


托福写作批改前:

Question:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

With the proliferation of automobiles that are able to overcome the obstacles of time and space, one would think that these tools will be used to provide people with more convenient and efficient lives in the future while others think that in twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there today concerning its serious effects on people\'s lives. I stand on the latter view and the following paragraphs will demonstrate my opinions.

Firstly, the advancement of cars exerts serious impacts on the environment. Taking my home city as an example, Beijing\'s pollution caused by the overuse of cars has profoundly changed the way people live. Due to the accumulating exhaust and pollutants emitted by the cars over time, a huge layer of dusts have surrounded the city and contaminated the air. People who live in the urban area have to wear breathing masks and buy air purifiers in order to prevent the risk of respiratory diseases and lung cancers. The environmental crisis may be the reasons why many of my friends decide to move abroad to live a healthier life where they don\'t need to limit the time spend outdoor to reduce the risks. I remember when I returned to Beijing from a trip, as soon as I got off the airplane I could smell the heavy smoggy air mixed with the toxic fumes emitted by the car. Therefore, in order to protect the environment and create better living conditions for city dwellers, government may limit the use of cars.

Secondly, the increasing population also contributes to the limit use of cars. With the development of manufacture to keep pace with people\'s demands, skyscrapers and factories have occupied all the space that can be used for the productions of cars. By which I mean, the increasing tensions over land space have become a major problem in modern world. The uncontrollable increasing of population in some countries is like rubbing salt in old wounds. The use of cars will only result in the shortage of land and compressing the space that should be used for human activities. In fact, the compacted lifestyle has already shortened the time people spend outside. More and more people choose to stay at home and indulge themselves into internet world rather than participating in outdoor activities. A recent research also reveals that the rates of such diseases and cancers due to lack of exercise is increasing at an alarm rate. Therefore, lack of open space of the production of cars may also lead to the reduction of the uses of cars.

Admittedly, the invention of cars does bring people convenience and efficiency in their lives. However, there might be a more efficient type of transportation coming into usage in twenty years. For example, more environmental-friendly transportation such as subway and the trains, have gradually gained its population and may replace the wide usage of cars in the future. Therefore, the promotion and advancement of another transportation method may also the inclining production of cars.

In conclusion, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today concerning their serious effects on environment, the shortage of open space and the potential of more advanced transportation method.

小站名师批改后:


Question:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

In twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there are today.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

With the proliferation of automobiles that are able to overcome the obstacles of time and space, one would think that these tools will be used to provide people with more convenient and efficient lives in the future while others think that in twenty years there will be fewer cars in use than there 【those】today concerning its 【their】serious effects on people's lives. I stand on the latter view and the following paragraphs will demonstrate my opinions. 【introduction部分,引入话题,并且提出自己的观点】

Firstly, the advancement of cars exerts serious impacts on the environment. Taking my home city as an example, Beijing's pollution caused by the overuse of cars has profoundly changed the way people live. Due to the accumulating exhaust and pollutants emitted by the cars over time, a huge layer of dusts have surrounded the city and contaminated the air. People who live in the urban area 【urban areas】have to wear breathing masks and buy air purifiers in order to prevent the risk of respiratory diseases and lung cancers. The environmental crisis may be the reasons why many of my friends decide to move abroad to live a healthier life where they don't 【do not】need to limit the time spend 【spent】 outdoor to reduce the risks. I remember when I returned to Beijing from a trip, as soon as I got off the airplane I could smell the heavy smoggy air mixed with the toxic fumes emitted by the car. Therefore, in order to protect the environment and create better living conditions for city dwellers, government may limit the use of cars. 【主体部分第一段,提出分论点,并且使用说理,举例子的方法进行论证】

Secondly, the increasing population also contributes to the limit use of cars. With the development of manufacture to keep pace with people's demands, skyscrapers and factories have occupied all the space that can be used for the productions of cars. By which I mean, the increasing tensions over land space have become a major problem in modern world. The uncontrollable increasing of population in some countries is like rubbing salt in old wounds. The use of cars will only result in the shortage of land and compressing the space that should be used for human activities. In fact, the compacted lifestyle has already shortened the time people spend outside. More and more people choose to stay at home and indulge themselves into internet 【the Internet】world rather than participating 【participate】in outdoor activities. A recent research also reveals that the rates of such diseases and cancers due to lack of exercise is 【are】 increasing at an alarm 【alarming】rate. Therefore, lack of open space of the production of cars may also lead to the reduction of the uses of cars. 【主体部分第二段,提出分论点,并且使用说理的方法进行论证】

Admittedly, the invention of cars does bring people convenience and efficiency in their lives. However, there might be a more efficient type of transportation coming into usage in twenty years. For example, more environmental-friendly transportation such as subway and the trains, have gradually gained its population and may replace the wide usage of cars in the future. Therefore, the promotion and advancement of another transportation method may also the inclining production of cars. 【使用让步的方法,反面证明自己的观点】

In conclusion, there will be fewer cars in use than there are today concerning their serious effects on environment, the shortage of open space and the potential of more advanced transportation method.【conclusion部分,总结和重申自己的观点】

综上 本文观点明确,结构完整,逻辑合理。

进行论证时,能够使用说理的,举例子等方法进行论证,有说服力!

不过语言细节上,还是有一点点问题,请见批注。

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