Today there is a general increase in chlidren's anti-social behavior. What is the causes? Some solution?
学生原文:
Alarmingly, the increases in children'santi-social behavior are now becoming a big headache in many countries. Manyefforts have already been made on to tackle the problem, however, the effect isfar from satisfying. This essay aims to explore the causes of increasinganti-social behavior in children and then represent some relevant measures thatshould be taken to crack down the problem.
There are three main causes of this trend.Firstly, more parents today work full-time and many of them have to work longhours. Their children regularly spend after-school hours without parentalsupervision. This leaves many children hanging around the streets and feelingbored, which makes them more likely to be involved in anti-social activities. Still,increasing peer pressure is another factor to be considered Some children justdo anti-social activities, such as bullying, to obtain more attention or avoidbeing isolated by their friends. Finally, nowadays many TV programs and videos games glorify violence and make breaking thelaw seem brave and charming. Children who are frequently exposed to them tendto develop violent anti-social behavior.
Considering the severity of anti-socialbehavior, it is about time that we started adopting some effective measures tobeat the problem. To start with, it is important for parents participate intheir children's education and lives. Busy working parents can use the timethey spend with their children well by listening to their children's ideas andproblems, providing emotional support. Also, as for the school, teachers shouldencourage students to work together as a team. For example, group assignmentand team sports not only improve children's social and emotional skills butalso help them to understand the importance of respect for others and toleranceof differences. Lastly, the government can also help to reduce anti-socialbehavior among children by regulating violent content in the media.
Overall, there are several causes of theincrease in anti-social behavior among children. Every approach I mentioned hasits unique role, hence, parents, teachers, and the government should all playtheir part in tackling this problem.
小站教育老师批改后:
Alarmingly, the increases in children's anti-social behavior are now becoming a big headache in many countries. Many efforts have already been made on【可以去掉,make effort to 】 to tackle the problem, however, the effect【of which】 is far from satisfying. This essay aims to explore the【some of the major】causes of increasing anti-social behavior in children and then【略有些生硬,建议参考as well as presenting】represent some relevant measures that should be taken to crack down【好词但是感觉有点heavy了,建议直接使用crack】the problem.
【from my perspective表达下是自己的思考】There are three main causes of this trend.Firstly, more parents today work full-time and many of them have to work longhours【加班work overtime quite frequently】. Their children【therefore,have to 】regularly【regular偏重规律性的经常,此处不太合适,建议去掉】 spend after-school hours【补充一个major part of their spare time】without parental supervision【有点Chinglish了,说是父母的监督管制下有些不恰当,建议参考parents' company】. This leaves many children hanging around the streets and feelingbored【which might leave children bored and aimless hanging around in streets thus makes 】which makes them more likely to 【be led astray by bad company被不好的人带坏】and be involved in anti-social activities. Still, increasing peer pressure is another【contributing】 factor to be considered Some children just do anti-social activities, such as bullying, to obtain【gain】more attention【and care from others】or avoid being isolated by their friends.【最好补充个原因,建议参考:as deep down inside, they feel lonely and insecured,and without being properly guided,they have no other way but to resort to violence,which could be easily developed into anti-social behaviour 】 Finally, nowadays many TV programs and videos games 【tend to somewhat】glorify violence and make 【for their certain purpose, as box office for the movie producer, embellished some illegal acts】breaking the law seem brave and charming. Children who are frequently exposed tothem tend to【补充一个 are highly likely增加多样性】 develop violent anti-social behavior.
Considering the severity of anti-social behavior, it is about time that we started【should start】 adopting some effective measures to beat【欠妥,建议参考tackle/address...】the problem. To start with, it is important for parents【to】 participate in their children's education and lives. Busy working parents【thoes parents who have to work a busy schedule】 can【should make better use of the time that they have with their children by 】 use the time they spend with their children well by listening to their children's ideas and problems,【and providing them with...】providing emotional support. Also, as for the school, teachers should encourage students to work together as a team.【develop team spirit via more group activities】 For example, group assignment and team sports 【which could】not only improve children's social and emotional skills but also help them to understand the importance of respect for【respecting】 others and tolerance of differences. Lastly, the government can also help to reduce anti-social behavior among children by regulating violent content in the media.
Overall, there are several causes of the increase in anti-social behavior among children. Every approach I mentioned【有点口语化了,建议参考mentioned above】 has its unique role【to play in reining the worsening situation】, hence, parents, teachers, and the government should all playtheir part in tackling this problem.
预估分数:7-
点评:
文章结构很好,看得出你很用心的在整理solution的解题模式,只不过一些观点的表达上还是需要再加工充实一下,不能很单薄的只有一句话,即使你自己能明白其因果但是阅卷老师看来会显得你的理由有点苍白,请多加注意。此外,你的一些句子和词语方面的搭配还存在些许的问题,还要注意Chinglish的问题尽量少范。总体而言是不错的,我给你补充了一些句子和词组,希望你能参考下,看看是不是能够为文章有所增色,请继续多看看别人的文章,做做整理这是个很好的学习方法,相信你肯定能够进步的很快,写的越来越好的!