PS批改——申请UIUC食品交流

　　My name is XXX. I am a sophomore student studying in Pursuit Science Class- food safety and nutrition of Chu Kochen Honors College Zhejiang University China. I have a dream that I can be a qualified and high-end talents in food field who owns innovative quality and international vision, grasps basic theories of modern food science, has abilities of scientific research and technical management.

　　In the past two years, I have learned the basic knowledge of food safety and nutrition. I performed well in the study, so I win the first-class scholarship in National Based Talents and second-class scholarship of Outstanding Students. What’ more, I participate in many community activities during the two years. The most unforgettable activity is that I went to a remote town at the foot of the hill to teach children the knowledge of plant protection and food safety voluntarily during the summer vocation. I remembered that the children in the town were very shy the first time we met and it’s hard for me to communicate with these children. However, through my hardworking we got familiar with each other day after day and became good friends finally. Through this experience I felt the goodness to share knowledge with them and learned the communication skills.

　　Now I think it could be better to broaden my horizon if I have a chance to study abroad for a period time. I am interested in the food nutrition very much and I want to be a nutritionist in the future. Through the Internet, I get to know that Food Science and Biology of your university is really great. what’s more I also desire to learn the microbiological knowledge in the food field. Thus I want to apply for your honorable university.

　　If I am admitted, I will apply my effort into achieving the following goals:

　　(1) To acquire more knowledge of nutrition in foods. I plan to take Principles of Nutrition in the fall semester. I will read the related books ahead of time to prepare for this course. What’s more, during the course , I will make full use of the librarian to find useful information to study.

　　(2) To advance my understanding of food industry. During the fall semester, I plan to go out to visit American food factories to know exactly the current situation of food industry. And I will combine knowledge and practical situation together to innovate.

　　(3) To improve my interpersonal abilities. I am an introverted person, so I want to improve my interpersonal abilities through making friends with unacquainted people in the campus.

批改后

　　Personal Statement

　　My name is XXX. I am a sophomore student studying in Pursuit Science Class- food safety and nutrition of Chu Kochen Honors College Zhejiang University China. I have a dream that I can be a qualified and high-end talents in food field who owns innovative quality and international vision, grasps basic theories of modern food science, has abilities of scientific research and technical management.(这一段比起自我介绍，更加好的是as a student majoring in XXX at XXX university, I would like to apply for your XX program. 然后接上你学习这个专业的MOTIVATION)

　　In the past two years, I have learned the basic knowledge of food safety and nutrition. I performed well in the study, so I win the first-class scholarship in National Based Talents and second-class scholarship of Outstanding Students.(PS不是简历的扩写，所以这些东西不如换成你具体学了哪些课程，学得了什么) What’ more, I participate in many community activities during the two years. The most unforgettable activity is that I went to a remote town at the foot of the hill to teach children the knowledge of plant protection and food safety voluntarily during the summer vocation.(例举一些简单的小例子会更加好) I remembered that the children in the town were very shy the first time we met and it’s hard for me to communicate with these children. However, through my hardworking we got familiar with each other day after day and became good friends finally. Through this experience I felt the goodness to share knowledge with them and learned the communication skills.

　　Now I think it could be better to broaden my horizon if I have a chance to study abroad for a period time. I am interested in the food nutrition very much and I want to be a nutritionist in the future. Through the Internet, I get to know that Food Science and Biology of your university is really great.(好在哪里呢，要具体说下，是环境，还是大牛老师，还是有钱?)what’s more I also desire to learn the microbiological knowledge in the food field. Thus I want to apply for your honorable university.

　　If I am admitted, I will apply my effort into achieving the following goals:尽量不要用这种标题吧，用连接词比较好。

　　(1) To acquire more knowledge of nutrition in foods. I plan to take Principles of Nutrition in the fall semester. I will read the related books ahead of time to prepare for this course. What’s more, during the course , I will make full use of the librarian to find useful information to study.

　　(2) To advance my understanding of food industry. During the fall semester, I plan to go out to visit American food factories to know exactly the current situation of food industry. And I will combine knowledge and practical situation together to innovate.

　　(3) To improve my interpersonal abilities. I am an introverted person, so I want to improve my interpersonal abilities through making friends with unacquainted people in the campus.这个是短期计划，还可以适当考虑做个长期的PLAN,增加完整度