Title:Around the world,more adults can work from home and more children can study from home as computer technologies become cheaper and more accessible.Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
学生原文：
Truly that people are now stepping into an electronic society.Almost everything can be done by the computer or Internet,like shopping,chatting,reading,even studying and working.A not uncommon phenomenon that adults and children are currently turning their attention from traditional working places and schools to the online distance working and learning due to the invention of cheaper and more accessible computers.It should be admitted that such transformation is beneficial to some exten,but I still believe its’ negative impacts on human beings outweigh its positive ones.
Apparently,computer has brought great convenience to both adults and children’s life.For adults,they can use computer to cope with certain official business or hold essential conferences without going to their companies in person.In this way,lateness caused by traffic jams or bad weather conditions could be avoided and thus enhancing their working efficiency.Certainly children also benefit from distance learning on Internet.Since they are free to select the course they showed weakness in,the teachers are able to formulate specific learning schemes for each student so that education they received can be more targeted.Otherwise,it seems a waste of time when all the students sitting in a classroom listening to every subject,no mater whether they are adept at or not.
Despite the advantages that working or studying at home might provide,the negative impacts it contains cannot be ignored.First of all,always staying at home will block people’s daily interpersonal relationship.The complex society requires us to handle well the relationships with various people so as to find out foothold here.Making friends as frequently as possible will eventually lay solid foundations for the development of career.However,if people are steeped in the lifestyle of cuddling at home,they will surely reduce opportunities to contact with their friends and gradually lose all their topics,which will be detrimental to both their personal development and mental health.
In addition,once all the things can be done by computer techonologies,there will be a trend that people spend much of their time being glued to the computer screen,the latter one will lead to shortsightedness as well as generate radiation.Then as time passes by,those who always working or studying at home with computers will get severe diseases which may be entwined with them throughout the life.
To sum up,by the time we are admiring how wonderful and convenient the computer technology is,what we should rather lay emphasize on is the harmful impacts it brings,such as the reduction of interpersonal relationship,the damage to people’s physical health.Hence,I reckon working or studying at home with computers is a negative development.
小站教育老师批改后：
Truly that people are now stepping into an electronic society【a digital and informational era】.Almost everything can be done by the computer or【and】Internet,like shopping,chatting,reading,even studying and working【from shopping，chatting，reading now even to studying and working are made possible with the help of ever advancing computer technologies】.A not uncommon phenomenon【建议参考the phenomenon which is not quite common that】 that adults and children are currently turning their attention from traditional working places and schools to the online distance working【=teleworking】 and learning【distance learning】due to the invention of 【the more widely available and affordable 】cheaper and more accessible computers【as well as the access to internet】. It should be admitted that such transformation is beneficial to some【补充个to a certain】 exten【extent】,but I still believe its’ negative impacts on human beings outweigh its positive ones.
Apparently,computer has brought great convenience to both adults and children’s life. For adults, they can use computer to cope with【cope with这里不是很恰当，建议使用handle there daily office work like holding conference without going all the way to their office】 certain official business or hold essential conferences without going to their companies in person. In this way, lateness caused by traffic jams or bad weather conditions【不需要】 could be avoided and thus enhancing their working efficiency.Certainly children also benefit from distance learning on Internet【可以去掉】.Since they are free to select the course【建议参考from a place which provide far more things than that is available in school】they showed weakness in,the teachers are able to formulate【建议参考design/tailormade a】 specific learning schemes【program】【according to the different situation of each student】for each student so that【the】education【received by students can be more，此处的they指代的变成了teacher所以不能用】 they received can be more targeted. 【unlike students of all levels sitting together and being lectured with same thing regardless of meeting the individual needs of the students】Otherwise, it seems a waste of time when all the students sitting in a classroom listening to every subject,no mater whether they are adept at or not.
【虽然你的观点不错但是你花了不少笔墨在形容它的有点上了，因为文章的篇幅是有限的，你花了过多的篇幅来写次要的观点，势必后面的主要观点会更长，那就肯定会拉长你的篇幅重要的是会需要更多的时间，老师也不会因为你字数多而给你高分，往往导致的结果就是写不完，或者是草草收尾，无论哪种结果都是我们不希望发生的所以后天考试请千万记住，主次安排好，不要因为你有内容写而收不住笔头了！】
Despite the advantages that working or studying at home might provide,the negative impacts it contains cannot be ignored.First of all, always staying at home will block people’s daily interpersonal relationship. The complex society requires us to handle well the relationships with various people so as to find out foothold here【表达上有点Chinglish了，你想表达是不是如下意思：as human being is born a social animal，we need to establish our social status/rank/standing by communicating with the surrounding people from time to time. 】.Making friends as frequently as possible will eventually lay solid foundations for the development of career.However,if people are steeped in the lifestyle of cuddling at home,【感觉与下文逻辑不符合，文意也有些难以理解，你是想表达：沉迷于家庭的温情的意思么？那么与后文的逻辑衔接是不合理的】they will surely reduce opportunities to contact with their friends and gradually lose all their topics,which will be detrimental to both their personal development and mental health.
【可以举出虚拟交友的危害性，bad guys as fraud could disguised into some harmless friend online who might trapped you into some terrible thing;沉迷于虚拟网络而忽略了身边真要关心的lost in virtual world and forget to paying enough attention to the those who care for you in real life...】
In addition, once all the things can be done by computer techonologies,there will be a trend that people spend much of their time being glued to the computer screen,the latter one【which will highly likely increase the risk of being near-sighted 】 will lead to shortsightedness as well as 【spinal illness脊椎病】generate radiation.Then as time passes by,those who always working or studying at home with computers will get severe diseases which may be entwined【补充个haunted them lifelong】 with them throughout the life.
To sum up,by the time we are admiring how wonderful and convenient the computer technology is,what we should rather lay emphasize on is the harmful impacts it 【could】brings【bring about】,such as the reduction of interpersonal relationship,the damage to people’s physical health.Hence,I reckon working or studying at home with computers is a negative development.
预估分数：6.5-7
点评：
主要的内容以及在文章中注明了！文章的整体感觉还是不错的，所以考试的时候正常发挥，你可以的，加油！也祝你好运！
