Some people suggest that school should pay more attention to academic subjects because these subjects are useful for thie future career. They think that subjects like music and sports are not use ful and should not be reduced. To what extent do you agree?
学生原文：
In china, many schools have cancelled some subjects like music and sports to enable students to focus more on academic studying in approve of many parents and teachers who deeply believe that kids should spend time on “useful“ subjects as much as possible. Some people, however, are strongly against the phenomenon. I must say I am one of those people.
Admittedly, by cut off some non-academy subjects, more time are warranted for the academic studying. They may acquire higher scores in examinations which would please many teachers and parents. Some people also think this would contribute to their future career and benefit the society.
In my observation, the elimination of subjects like sports and music would be a devastation. There are many kids who are talented in art or sports may lost their chances to explore their potential in these fields. Society is also in need of this kind of people. Furthermore, by involving in the non-academy field, students may cultivate their ability to communicate and cooperative with other people which is obviously needed in their future career. Nowadays many graduate college students are unable to find a job not because they don’t have the diplomat but for their lack of basic social skills. Besides, there is no way kids devote themselves absolutely to the academic studying, they need to have a balance in life as sports build their bodies and music relax their nerves. Under the pressure of studying, lack of non-academy life may cause mental diseases to the kids.
For the sake of students’ mental and physical health, the authorities should guarantee the vary of subjects in school. Only by comprehensive studying in their school life ,can they be well prepared for the things to come in the future.
小站教育老师批改后：
在此之前，可以先就学校里开设的课程做一个简单的介绍【背景介绍】
In china, 【这个表达很不好，你应该介绍普遍的现象，而不是中国，不具代表性】many schools have cancelled some subjects like music and sports to enable students to focus more on academic studying in approve of many parents and teachers who deeply believe that kids should spend as much as possible【放在这】time on “useful“ subjects as much as possible. 【改写题目】Some people, however, are strongly against the phenomenon. I must say I am one of those people.【自己的观点】
Admittedly, by cut【cutting】 off some non-academy 【non-acdemic】subjects, more time are warranted for the academic studying. They may acquire higher scores in examinations which would please many teachers and parents. Some people also think this would contribute to their future career and benefit the society.【这个让步段很好，有说服力，论证更完整】
In my observation, the elimination of subjects like sports and music would be a devastation. There are many kids who are talented in art or sports may lost their chances to explore their potential in these fields. 【句式冗杂，语法错误，分成两句写】Society is also in need of this kind of people. Furthermore, by involving in the non-academy 【non-acdemic】field, students may cultivate their ability to communicate and cooperative【cooperate】with other people which is obviously needed in their future career. Nowadays many graduate college students are unable to find a job not because they don’t have the diplomat but for their lack of basic social skills. Besides, there is no way kids devote themselves absolutely to the academic studying, they need to have a balance in life as sports build their bodies and music relax their nerves. Under the pressure of studying, lack of non-academy 【non-acdemic】 life may cause mental diseases to the kids.
For the sake of students’ mental and physical health,【上文没有提到，不要在结尾段出现】【仅仅是为了For the sake of students’ mental?总结的不够全面】 the authorities should guarantee the vary 【variiety是名词，vary是动词】of subjects in school. Only by comprehensive studying in their school life ,can they be well prepared for the things to come in the future.【亮点句式】
估分：5.5-6
评价：
1.整体的论证思路没有问题，语法词汇等细节问题要注意。
2.To what extent do you agree?其中的To what extent你体现的不是很明显。完全同意或者不同意加一个totally也行，部分同意，那你就要提出在什么样的条件下同意，这都是在文中的论证内容里要体现出来的。
