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免费托福写作批改:应该鼓励孩子兼职?

小站为各位考试提供免费在线批改服务,今天托福写作批改板块给各位考生带来的批改是:Do you agree or disagree one of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job?

免费托福写作批改前

How to use the part-time efficiently is an ubiquitous question among students. Some prefer to use their time to rest at home, others would rather do some exercise when they are free. However, I think those spare time could have some better use. And for parents, they play an indispensable role in guiding their children how to use their spare time. If I were a parent, I would encourage my children to take part-time jobs in order that they can be better prepared for their adult life.

Admittedly, taking part-time jobs has some detriment to children. It could occupies children’s spare time for tutors and extra classes, which can contribute to their academic performance. For instance, a high school boy who is in his third years might need to take extra classes to prepare for the college entrance exam.However, doing a part-time could occupy some of his precious time for preparation, which might has some bad impacts on his performance in exams. Consequently, the boy probably enters a less prestigious schools due to his participation in part-time jobs, which could indirectly influence his chance of employment when he becomes an adult.

However, the disadvantages of taking part-time jobs can be eclipsed when compared to its merits. In a long term, children can benefit more if they have some part-time job experience. Initially, by doing part-time jobs, children can learn some skills and principles that will be still beneficial when they become adult. For example, a boy can learn how to manage his money when he obtain his first barrel of gold. When the boy become adult, he knows how to spend money in a sensible way, and can avoid being bankrupt. Also, the boy knows that only cultivation can lead to harvest. Therefore, he would be a more industrious man than those who don't have part-time jobs when they are teenagers.

Equally important, children can be proficient about how to deal with interpersonal relationships while being involved in communication with others. For instance, a girl who does a job in a restaurant as a waitress has to greet clients and recommend popular dishes to them. In this process, the girl enhances her social skills subconsciously. And a girl selling clothing to guests also acquires the same benefit as she has to constantly bargain with customers. And when those girls grow up, they will have an insight about interactions with people, which help them become popular in their companies.

All elements considered, I think encouraging children to take part-time jobs is certainly one of the best ways for parents to help their children prepare for adult life, as it teaches children the significance of managing money, and skills of dealing with interpersonal relationships.

免费托福写作批改后:

How to use the part-time [part-time一般是形容词性。这里可以用free time] efficiently is an ubiquitous question among students. Some prefer to use their time to rest at home, others would rather do some exercise when they are free. However, I think those spare time could have some better use. And for parents, they play an indispensable role in guiding their children how to use their spare time. If I were a parent, I would encourage my children to take part-time jobs in order that they can be better prepared for their adult life. [因为in order that之前的状语是part-time jobs,所以如果在part-time jobs后用in which way could they,或者是 in order that those are a better preparation for the future会使句意更加连贯。 ]

Admittedly, taking part-time jobs has some detriment to children. It could occupies children’s spare time for tutors and extra classes, which can contribute to their academic performance.[这里既然是提到了detriment,就应该将contribute替换为一个有负面含义的词汇,虽然contribute是一个中性词,但是只能是在宾语为负面词时才可以用来形容负面的影响] For instance, a high school boy who is in his third years might need to take extra classes to prepare for the college entrance exam.However, doing a part-time could occupy some of his precious time for preparation, which might has some bad impacts on his performance in exams. Consequently, the boy probably enters a less prestigious schools due to his participation in part-time jobs, which could indirectly influence his chance of employment when he becomes an adult.

However, the disadvantages of taking part-time jobs can be eclipsed when compared to its merits. In a long term, children can benefit more if they have some part-time job experience. Initially, by doing part-time jobs, children can learn some skills and principles that will be still beneficial when they become adult. For example, a boy can learn how to manage his money when he obtain his first barrel of gold. When the boy become adult, he knows how to spend money in a sensible way, and can avoid being bankrupt [bankrupt这个概念有些大了,可以在这个分句前加上not mention...]. Also, the boy knows that only cultivation can lead to harvest. Therefore, he would be a more industrious man than those who don't have part-time jobs when they are teenagers.

Equally important, children can be proficient about [ how to deal with interpersonal relationships while being involved in communication with others. For instance, a girl who does a job in a restaurant as a waitress has to greet clients and recommend popular dishes to them. In this process, the girl enhances her social skills subconsciously. And a girl selling clothing to guests also acquires the same benefit as she has to constantly bargain with customers. And when those girls grow up, they will have an insight about interactions with people, which help them become popular in their companies.

All elements considered, I think encouraging children to take part-time jobs is certainly one of the best ways for parents to help their children prepare for adult life, as it teaches children the significance of managing money, and skills of dealing with interpersonal relationships.

老师点评:

文章结构合理,思路清晰,论证有力。词汇句式较为丰富,用词比较准确。有部分小的语法错误,以及需要改进论述的部分都在文中标出。进一步的提高建议多阅读高分范文增加文采。

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