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托福写作批改:经济危机下的选择

During times of economic crisis, which area of spending do you think the government should reduce: education, healthcare or support for the unemployed?

学生原文:

During 2008 financial crisis, the government has to reduce its budget to grapple with this formidable impediment. It is well accepted that education and employment is two of most significance of the country, thus there is no convincing reasons to decrease the expenditure on these two things, even in the economic crisis. If the reduction is necessary, I insist that diminish the budget on health care is a more feasible option. I will provide three reasons to support my point.

Firstly, most schools in my country are funded by government. It is hard to overrate the importance of the public funding of government since there are few private schools in my country. Actually, if we close some of them, it could make a detrimental effect on the economy because the number of qualified graduates tends to decline and the creative research will be curbed. Undoubtedly, so essential are these new-entry workers and these novelty ideas that they are the necessity of the recovery from recession.

Secondly, stimulating labor market is the most effective way to tackle the economic crisis. It is a vicious circle if people cannot find a job in the recession, because the endeavor to generate jobs is the desirable remedy for recovering from the crisis. During the Great Depression, FDR’s New Policy, which promoted thousands of fundamental infrastructures in United States, boosted the employment rate, elevate the countrywide economy, and, more importantly, drove off the shadow to replace with the confidence in people's mindset. In a short, there is no better way to save the financial crisis than to provide more work opportunities.

Lastly, many of health care in my country are supported by private section instead of government. It is reported by China Daily, that nearly eighty percent of people are unavailable to have a public healthcare, regardless children, retirees and employees. It is not uncommon for people to utilize their own money to pay the health treat. Granted, it is daunting for survival without healthcare, but people are more craving to find a job by fulfilling a degree after graduation from university.

To sum up, people cannot live without the health care, job and schooling, however, since the government seldom involves in the health care of individuals but plays an indispensible role in other two issues, the reduction of the expense on the health care is a relatively reasonable decision during the recession.

   小站教育老师批改后:

During 2008 financial crisis, the government has to reduce its budget to grapple with this formidable impediment. It is well accepted that education and employment is two of most significance of the country, thus there is no convincing reasons to decrease the expenditure on these two things, even in the economic crisis. If the reduction is necessary, I insist that diminish the budget on health care is a more feasible option. I will provide three reasons to support my point. [最后一句很生硬,去掉]

Firstly, most schools in my country are funded by [the]government. It is hard to overrate the importance of the public funding of government since there are few private schools in my country. Actually, if we close some of them, it could make a detrimental effect on the economy because the number of qualified graduates tends to decline and the creative research will be curbed. Undoubtedly, so essential are these new-entry workers and these novelty ideas that they are the necessity of the recovery from recession. [分析风格很简练,不错]

Secondly, stimulating labor market is the most effective way to tackle the economic crisis. It is a vicious circle if people cannot find a job in the recession, because the endeavor to generate jobs is the desirable remedy for recovering from the crisis. During the Great Depression,FDR’s[最好是写全称]New Policy, which promoted thousands of fundamental infrastructures in United States, boosted the employment rate, elevate [用过去式]the countrywide economy, and, more importantly, drove off the shadow to replace with the confidence in people's mindset. In a short, there is no better way to save the financial crisis than to provide more work [-ing]opportunities.

Lastly, many of health care in my country are supported by private section instead of [the]government. It is reported by China Daily, that nearly eighty percent of people are unavailable to have a public healthcare, regardless [加of]children, retirees and employees. It is not uncommon for people to utilize their own money to pay the health treat. Granted, it is daunting for survival without healthcare, but people are more craving to find a job by fulfilling a degree after graduation from university.

To sum up, people cannot live without the health care, job and schooling, however, since the government seldom involves in the health care of individuals but plays an indispensible role in [the]other two issues, the reduction of the expense on the health care is a relatively reasonable decision during the recession. [很流畅,不错]

预估分数:4.4

总体很流畅,分析也很简洁到位,不错;

表述的话,有一些用得很到位,底子不错,所以还有上升空间;

继续积累,不断进步,同时注意一下语法错误。

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