Surveys show that in many countries, people are living longer. What are the possible effects of the increasing life expectancy on individuals and society as a whole?
学生原文：
Increasing medical conditions and balanced diet contribute to longer life expectancy all over the world. Therefore, the trend will apparently influence both individuals and the whole society. In my essay, I will illustrate some possible effects of the phenomenon.
Citizens benefit from the longevity as individual in two aspects. Firstly, it enables individuals to enjoy their time after retirement. This period of time is usually considered to be leisure and carefree. Elders at the age are tend to devote themselves to some entertainment activities such as instrument performance and painting, which greatly ease them emotionally. Additionally, longer life span allows elders to convey their precious experience to the post generation more thoroughly so that youngsters could avoid some certain defaults in their life and even career.
In terms of the social effects, longer life aggravates the population ageing. A larger amount of unemployment will impose a heavy burden on society functioning since less effective workforce has to shoulder more responsibility financially. Besides, older people threaten the health care system due to their worsen physical problems such as heart disease, cardiovascular disease and diabetes. People at other ages will have less chance to receive medical treatment as the services are usually limited. Apart from the impacts mentioned above, the authorities are supposed to guarantee relatively more revenue for pension. Hence, the government will confront awkward financial problems because of limited tax revenue.
In conclusion, longer life expectancy may benefit the individuals so that they could make best use of their time after retirement. However, it can probably lead to social unrest caused by population ageing and pressure on social welfare,so policy-makers should be well prepared for the challenges presented.
小站教育老师批改后：
Increasing 【改为Increasingly improved】medical conditions and balanced diet contribute to longer life expectancy all over the world. Therefore, 【因果关系不是太明显，不要用】the trend will apparently influence both individuals and the whole society. In my essay, I will illustrate some possible effects of the phenomenon.【加的好，或者点出自己的观点】【自己的观点或者对正文内容的简介，这既是为了让你自己的写作更有方向性，也可以让看的人大概了解你文章的内容】
Citizens benefit from the longevity as individual in two aspects. Firstly, it enables individuals to enjoy their time after retirement. This period of time is usually considered to be leisure and carefree. Elders at the age are tend to devote themselves to some entertainment activities such as instrument performance and painting, which greatly ease them emotionally. Additionally, 【因为前面你用的是firstly，所以这部用secondly更好】longer life span【不用分开，lifespan】allows elders to convey their precious experience to the post generation more thoroughly so that youngsters could avoid some certain defaults in their life and even career.
【对个人的消极影响呢？比如：对家庭有巨大的压力】
In terms of the social effects, longer life aggravates the population ageing. A larger amount of unemployment will impose a heavy burden on society functioning since less effective workforce has to shoulder more responsibility financially. Besides, older people threaten the health care system due to their worsen physical problems such as heart disease, cardiovascular disease and diabetes. People at other ages will have less chance to receive medical treatment as the services are usually limited. Apart from the impacts mentioned above, the authorities are supposed to guarantee relatively more revenue for pension. Hence,【改为Otherwise，意思才对】the government will confront awkward financial problems because of limited tax revenue.【这些内容可以另起一段单独讲，提出建议。这一段就单纯的讲对社会的影响更好】
【对社会的积极影响呢？比如：可以促进社会医疗卫生事业的发展】
In conclusion, longer life expectancy may benefit the individuals so that they could make best use of their time after retirement. However, it can probably lead to social unrest caused by population ageing and pressure on social welfare,so policy-makers should be well prepared for the challenges presented.【总结的不错，前文讨论的都有提到】
估分：6
评价：值得肯定的是，写作思路很清晰，没有大问题。但是就是对问题的思考还不够全面，影响有积极与消极之分，因此两个都要考虑到。写的时候，两种安排：一、分别阐述对个人与社会的积极和消极影响（但是有的繁琐）。二、直接去讲它的积极与消极影响，只是在具体分析时提到它是对社会或者个人单方面有影响，还是都有。
