托福写作批改：金融危机下的选择

During economic crises, the government tries to reduce money in certain public cercice area. Which do you think the covernment should spend less money into?

(1)Education (2) Health care (3) Support for unemployed

学生原文：

Government, the leader of the country, hasthe responsibility to save the nation from the valley and promote the nation tobe throne an thrive. The government may take the responsibility and use theright via the organization of the national budgets. A wealth of individuals,including me, are more concern about which part of the budget would be cutduring the hard time. Among residents, the benefits of raising employment rateand education stages seems more significant. From my point of view, it isessential to low the unemployment rate down and provide better education firstwhen comparing with the budget of public health care services.

First and foremost, it would gain morefavorable consequences if government opts to remain the budget of education.Youngsters, with better education, are more likely to change the nation in thefuture. It has been confirmed that providing high-class education is the bestway to prevent the repetition of the depression. The most dramatic example herewould be the education system of the United States. Suffered the World War II,the Great Depression and the economic crisis, the national government never cutthe budget on education and built the top-tier education system which wasadmired all over the world. Students acquired knowledge in the environment likethis built the most famous companies like Apple Inc and Face book, leading thewhole world to a new era.

In addition, raising the employment rate isconductive for the citizens' life satisfaction. Sparking the society to providemore jobs is an arduous but rewarding process. During this process, residentscan earn profits to make their life and industries will save outcomes by thefundamental of the assistance of government. One representative sample of thispoint is known the policy of "4000 Billions" in China during 2008.The Chinese government decided to rise the budget to built more fundamentalfacilities and provided more basic jobs in those programs. After that, thehappiness of the citizens increased rapidly, and people were more willing towork for the nation.

Indeed,public health care services can help the citizens feel secure, still, benefitsof cutting the budget outweigh the drawbacks. To put it in a nut shell, cut thebudget of health care would be a more considerable choice.

   小站教育老师批改后：

Government, the leader of the country, hasthe responsibility to save the nation from the valley and promote the nation tobe throne an[注意细节，是and] thrive. The government may take the responsibility and use theright via the organization of the national budgets[budget本身就有organize的意思在内了。直接说via budget也可以]. A wealth of individuals,including me, are more concern about which part of the budget would be cutduring the hard time. Among residents, the benefits of raising employment rateand education stages seems[seem] more significant. From my point of view, it isessential to low [-er]the unemployment rate down and provide better education firstwhen comparing with the budget of public health care services. [开头有些重复啰嗦了]

First and foremost, it would gain morefavorable consequences if government opts to remain the budget of education. [肯定是有保留的，只是remain… untouched]Youngsters, with better education, are more likely to change the nation in thefuture. It has been confirmed that providing high-class education is the bestway to prevent the repetition of the depression. The most dramatic example herewould be the education system of the United States. Suffered the World War II,the Great Depression and the economic crisis, the national [多做一些调查，美国是叫federal government]government never cutthe budget on education[你的这些不符合事实，美国是减少了教育方面的开支的，这导致美国学费上涨，尤其是高校] and built the top-tier education system which wasadmired all over the world. Students acquired knowledge in the environment likethis built the most famous companies like Apple Inc and Face book, leading thewhole world to a new era.

In addition, raising the employment rate isconductive for [to]the citizens' life satisfaction. Sparking the society to providemore jobs is an arduous but rewarding process. During this process, residentscan earn profits to make their life 没有这个表达]and industries will save outcomes by thefundamental 这里的表达奇怪，改为with the help of…] of the assistance of government. One representative sample of thispoint is known the policy of "4000 Billions" in China during 2008.The Chinese government decided to rise[raise] the budget to built [原形] more fundamentalfacilities [基础设施是infrastructure] and provided more basic jobs in those programs. After that, thehappiness of the citizens increased rapidly, and people were more willing towork for the nation. [你的两个论据都体现你调研不足]

Indeed,public health care services can help the citizens feel secure, still, benefitsof cutting the budget outweigh the drawbacks. To put it in a nut shell, cut [-ing] thebudget of health care would be a more considerable choice.

预估分数：3

你的文章说服力较弱，很大的一个问题是你的调研不足，这包括了一些事实性错误，也包括了一些表达的错误。如果你要想好好写的话，一定要多花心思把一些常用到的词语等弄清楚的。

因为写的时候没有足够的调研，平时积累不足，导致你的一些表达很奇怪，甚至是不存在一些表达。