托福写作批改：如何吸引好学生？

Do you agree or disagree with the following statements?In order to attract good students,a university should spend a lot of money funding social activities?

学生原文：

Have you ever heard any student chose to go to a university just because it funds social activitis so much?Have you ever seen a senior high school graduate who isn’t most mindful of the academic level and accomplishments of a university he/she wants to attend?Have you ever met a friend who doesn’t have any professional knowledge and still gets successful in his career where specicalized knowledge is needed such as doctors,teachers and so on?

Obviously,the answer is no.For a university to attract more students,the major concern should never be spending a wealth of money on social activities. Instead, they are supposed to deticate their attention to improving teaching facilities such as labrotarys,classroms and academic reasearch,thus making them more competitive and attractive when enrolling new students.

The first and foremost reason for my viewpoint is that what students really care about a univercity is its academic and teaching conditions.We should not forget that students choose to attend univercity mainly in order to acquire professional kowledge and related skills which make them ready for future carrer. Take teachers as an example.An eligible teacher must have a wide range of knowledge and skills. They need to know the facts about his/her subject and learn how to scientifically convey what he wants to teach-that is to say,pathodogical methods. These are the things a university directly teaches us via lots of curriculums,exercises,projects etc.. If you have a poor professional ability in these aeras, how can you become well informed enough to educate the young students eager for knowledge? In addition, those who succeed in their careerer and become famous all have a solid foundation of the essential abilities such as methods to think correctly,independently solving problems and exploring problems without definitive answers.This kind of ability can only be fully cultivated in a university which funds much on its teaching facilitis and provide the objective conditions to let students explore them on their own.

A second factor that should be taken into account is that students actually don’t care much about how much a university funds social activities,I mean, not a predominant consideraion.When students choose among universitis.The fact is:few students view social activities as references.Even they do,they must be in a dillema of choosing between two universities in the same level.The amount of money funded on social activities or pictures,diagrams of them fades quickly when another university’s academic achievement is even more attracting and excellent.

Admittedly,I concede that social avtivities is also very important for a human to lead a happy and fulfilling life.They can develop the communicating skills and bring fun to students’ life.However,since students come to a university and are willing to spent four years in it ,their major goal is to receive something unique that cannot be provided outside.Even not in universities,students can also participate in lots of social activitis as long as they wish.A university plays an important role in developing students academic skills and related abilities required for future success.Therefore,from what has been discussed above,we may safely draw the conclusion that a university should fund more on the aspects which can relly help students equipped with those abilities rather that social activities.

   小站教育老师批改后：

Have you ever heard any student chose to go to a university just because it funds social activitis【乖，单词拼写错误哦~改为: activities】 so much?Have【亲，注意单词之间的空格哦~改为: much? Have, 文中有很多地方都有这个问题~~需要注意一下哦~】 you ever seen a senior high school graduate who isn’t 【+ the】 most mindful of the academic level and accomplishments of a university he/she wants to attend【乖，这句话不够通顺哦~建议自己重新修改哦~】? Have you ever met a friend who doesn’t have any professional knowledge and still gets successful in his career where specicalized【改为: specialized】knowledge is needed such as doctors,[空格]teachers and so on?【乖，这一段并没有表述自己的观点哦~~!】

Obviously, the answer is no. For a university to attract more students, the major concern should never be spending a wealth of money on social activities. Instead, they are supposed to deticate【改为: dedicate】their attention to improving teaching facilities such as labrotarys【乖，单词拼写错误哦~改为: laboratories】, classroms【改为: classrooms】 and academic reasearch【改为: research】, thus making them more competitive and attractive when enrolling new students.【观点表述要放在第一段哦~】

The first and foremost reason for my viewpoint is that what students really care about a univercity【改为: university】 is its academic and teaching conditions【这是个很好的论点，能有力的论证自己的观点哦~】. We should not forget that students choose to attend univercity【改为: universities】mainly in order to acquire professional kowledge【改为: knowledge】 and related skills which make them ready for future carrer【改为: career】. Take teachers as an example. An eligible teacher must have a wide range of knowledge and skills. They need to know the facts about his/her subject and learn how to scientifically convey what he wants to teach-that is to say, pathodogical【单词拼写错误，而且单词使用不当哦~】methods. These are the things a university directly teaches us via lots of curriculums, exercises, projects etc..【删除一个点】 If you have a poor professional ability in these aeras【改为: areas】, how can you become well informed enough to educate the young students 【+ who are】 eager for knowledge? In addition, those who succeed in their careerer【改为: careers】 and become famous all have a solid foundation of the essential abilities such as methods to think correctly, independently solving problems and exploring problems without definitive answers. This kind of ability can only be fully cultivated in a university which funds much on its teaching facilitis【改为: facilities】and provide the objective conditions to let students explore them on【改为: by】their own.

A second factor that should be taken into account is that students actually don’t care much about how much a university funds social activities, I mean, not a predominant consideraion【改为: consideration】【这句话不完整哦~后面可以加：would be given to the social activities】. When students choose among universitis【改为: universities】. The fact is: few students view social activities as references. Even they do, they must be in a dillema【改为: dilemma】of choosing between two universities in the same level. The amount of money funded on social activities or pictures, diagrams of them fades quickly when another university’s academic achievement is even more attracting and excellent.

Admittedly, I concede that social avtivities【改为: activities】is also very important for a human to lead a happy and fulfilling life. They can develop the communicating skills and bring fun to students’ life. However, since students come to a university and are willing to spent【改为: spend】four years in it [不用空格], [空格]their major goal is to receive something unique that cannot be provided outside. Even not in universities, students can also participate in lots of social activitis【改为: activities】as long as they wish. A university plays an important role in developing students【改为: students’】academic skills and related abilities required for future success. Therefore, from what has been discussed above, we may safely draw the conclusion that a university should fund more on the aspects which can relly【改为: really】help students equipped【删除】with those abilities rather that social activities.【结论段过于冗长~结论段只要呼应观点，重申自己的观点就可以了，论证性的内容就不要再出现在结论段了哦~】

整体内容格式不符合托福独立写作的格式规范，建议参考范文哦~~

单词拼写错误较多，希望平时练习多注意哦~

结论段过于冗长~结论段只要呼应观点，重申自己的观点就可以了，论证性的内容就不要再出现在结论段了哦~

字数超过限制~!

论证段的论证还是较有说服力的~