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托福写作批改前:

Question:

Do you agree or disagree with following statement?

Successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

I believe that renowned people share many characteristics which, to a great extent, help them embrace the final success. However, when facing the dilemma whether successful people try new things and take risks rather than keep doing what they already know how to do well, opinions carry individualistic distinctions. I stand on the similar stand that only when people have the courage to innovate new things can they long being successful.

Firstly, with the development of technology and sciences, our world is changing at a bewildering speed. As a student who specializes in technology, I fully understand the fact that the success of one technological invention will never last long. For example, the technique that was widely used yesterday can be soon replaced by a new invention in a blink of eyes. Living in a world where everyone is chasing after efficiency and usefulness, only the products that can keep pace with majority\'s demands and keep advancing its settings can be survive among the competitions. In this case, companies can no longer indulge themselves into the current success and wait for the profits to come into their pocket. They should keep forecasting the features of products that may bring them maximum profits based on people\'s demands and continue adapting new ideas along their ways of innovation.

Secondly, it is being said that if a company only dissolves into its current success instead of coming up with new ideas to improve their products, they will eventually lose customers to those new start-ups that have more innovated ideas than they do. For example, Ma Yun, one of the most successful businessman in Asia, as well as the founder of the biggest internet market in China, decided to abandon the old project they had used for almost ten years and turned to contrive a new programme that his company could better benefit from in a long term. At first, many of his recruiters were very confused as they had achieved such a huge accomplishment by using the old programme. However, Ma yun pointed out that the old programme only suited for the development of China ten years ago, but it would not help the company achieve a larger accomplishment. Therefore, only trying new things and moving on from the past success can render ones bigger achievement.

Admittedly, people will take risk if they are to try new things. However, taking risks is central to one\'s success. In business, taking risks does not mean making a random decision. It results from a thorough obeservation of the current situations and requires ones\' precise determination under enormous pressure and stress. Thus, it examines headmasters\' decision makings skills and is crucial to ones\' final success.

In conclusion, successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well.

小站名师批改后:


Question:

Do you agree or disagree with following statement?

Successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they already know how to do well.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

I believe that renowned people share many characteristics which, to a great extent, help them embrace the final success. However, when facing the dilemma whether successful people try new things and take risks rather than keep doing what they already know how to do well, opinions carry individualistic distinctions. I stand on the similar stand that only when people have the courage to innovate new things can they long being【be】successful. 【introduction部分,引入话题,提出自己的观点】

Firstly, with the development of technology and sciences 【science】, our world is changing at a bewildering speed. As a student who specializes in technology, I fully understand the fact that the success of one technological invention will never last long. For example, the technique that was widely used yesterday can be soon replaced by a new invention in a blink of eyes. Living in a world where everyone is chasing after efficiency and usefulness, only the products that can keep pace with majority's demands and keep advancing its settings can be 【删掉】survive among the competitions. In this case, companies can no longer indulge themselves into the current success and wait for the profits to come into their pocket. They should keep forecasting the features of products that may bring them maximum profits based on people's demands and continue adapting new ideas along their ways of innovation. 【主体部分第一段,提出分论点,使用说理举例子的方法进行论证】

Secondly, it is being 【删掉】 said that if a company only dissolves into its current success instead of coming up with new ideas to improve their【its】 products, they 【it】will eventually lose customers to those new start-ups that have more innovated ideas than they do【it does】. For example, Ma Yun, one of the most successful businessman 【businessmen】in Asia, as well as the founder of the biggest internet market in China, decided to abandon the old project they had used for almost ten years and turned to contrive 【contriving】a new programme that his company could better benefit from in a long term. At first, many of his recruiters were very confused as they had achieved such a huge accomplishment by using the old programme. However, Ma yun pointed out that the old programme only suited for the development of China ten years ago, but it would not help the company achieve a larger accomplishment. Therefore, only trying new things and moving on from the past success can render ones bigger achievement. 【主体部分,提出分论点,使用说理举例子的方法进行论证】

Admittedly, people will take risk if they are to try new things. However, taking risks is central to one's success. In business, taking risks does not mean making a random decision. It results from a thorough obeservation【observation】 of the current situations and requires ones' precise determination under enormous pressure and stress. Thus, it examines headmasters' decision makings skills and is crucial to ones' final success. 【使用让步手段证明自己的观点】

In conclusion, successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing 【do】what they already know how to do well 【well in what they already know】.【conclusion部分,总结和重申自己的观点】

综上 本文观点明确,结构完整,逻辑合理。

进行论证时,能够使用说理的,举例子等方法进行论证,有说服力!

不过语言细节上,还可以,不过有时还是有一点点问题,请见批注。

ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK

>> Continue to improve your ability to express opinions by studying the ways that published writers express their opinions.

>> Read articles and essays written by professional writers that express opinions about an issue (for example, asocial, environmental or educational issue).

>> Identify the writer’s opinion or opinions.

>> Notice how the writer addresses possible objections to the opinions, if the writer discusses these.

Independent Task

Scaled Score

4.25

27

Good

 Good



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