托福写作批改：你认为我们应该关注名人发表的意见吗？

作文批改前：

When famous people such as actors, athletes and rock stars give their opinions, many people listen. Do you think we should pay attention to these opinions? Use specific reasons and examples to supportyour answer.

Last few decades saw an ever-growing boom created and intensified by investors and brokers. Businessmen are inclined to invite popular stars to endorse their products to make their brands stand out; educational institutions prefer to invite celebrities to call on the public to be engaged in public service; and even citizens vote for famous people such as Jackie Chan and Song Dandan to be congressional delegates. Thus, individuals get more and more accustomed to their comments. Some people hold the opinion that these celebrities do put themselves into we ordinary people's shoes and do well in every aspect, while others argue that most of the celebrities put nothing but ranking in money and becoming a hit at the first place. Frankly speaking, I side with the latter point.

First and foremost, a multitude of famous people are not equipped with abundant academic knowledge and high caliber due to limitations of individual intelligence and capabilities. How could it that they can make profound comments be possible if they are not able to develop a good personality and undertake their own stuff well? Case in point: Jackie Chan. It can not be denied that he made great contributions to the advancement of the martial art film industry. But when it comes to personal quality and family education, Chan failed to live up to his fans' expectations. His son made headlines when police confirmed that he used drugs, which was really a shame.From what we discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that famous people are far from satisfactory in case of self-cultivation and morality.

What's more, although celebrities' comments may be as believable as it can be, a majority of them simply utter some words that were taught carefully by their brokers for their own interests. Basketball stars would recommend sports suits to you which are costly; actresses who are pregnant promised that certain milk is nutritious without acknowledging that some ingredients are forbidden or even toxious; and film stars appeal to their fans' to go to theatres to support their films even though this particular type of film does not suit their tastes. Some famous people even spread fake information among the public to make themselves known, which really hurt the feelings of those who have a crush on them.

Admittedly, there do exists a small group of celebrities with broader horizon and outstanding personality. However, what they discuss is anything but stuff we should focus on and care about due to different working environment and distinct values. Rather than paying attention to things that rarely have anything to do with us, it is more rational and proper that we followed practical tips given by our parents and friends. These are the people who really know and care about us. Moreover, wouldn't it make sense if we spend the time that was originally used to listen to famous people's opinions and judge their behavior reading a biography of the ancient giants and reflecting on ourselves?

In a nutshell, famous people's comments are vacant and there is no sense listening to their opinions. I do recommend that we jump out of the very confinement that famous people are successful in every aspect. If there is anyone out there who still believe in their words utterly,they should think twice and step out of the comfort zone.

小站批改作文后：

When famous people such as actors, athletes and rock stars give their opinions, many people listen. Do you think we should pay attention to these opinions? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
 
Last few decades saw an ever-growing boom created and intensified by investors and brokers. Businessmen are inclined to invite popular stars to endorse their products to make their brands stand out; educational institutions prefer to invite celebrities to call on the public to be engaged in public service; and even citizens vote for famous people such as Jackie Chan and Song Dandan to be congressional delegates. Thus, individuals get more and more accustomed to their comments. Some people hold the opinion that these celebrities do put themselves into we ordinary people's shoes and do well in every aspect, while others argue that most of the celebrities put nothing but ranking in money and becoming a hit at the first place. Frankly speaking, I side with the latter point.【提出不同的观点，自己从中选择支持的观点！话题展开不错，很充分！】
 
First and foremost, a multitude of famous people are not equipped with abundant academic knowledge and high caliber due to limitations of individual intelligence and capabilities. How could it that they can make profound comments be possible if they are not able to develop a good personality and undertake their own stuff well? Case in point: Jackie Chan. It can not be denied that he made great contributions to the advancement of the martial art 【martial arts，一般用复数形式】film industry. But when it comes to personal quality and family education, Chan failed to live up to his fans' expectations. His son made headlines when police confirmed that he used drugs, which was really a shame. From what we discussed above, we can safely draw the conclusion that famous people are far from satisfactory in case of self-cultivation and morality.
 
What's more, although celebrities' comments may be as believable as it can be, a majority of them simply utter some words that were【are用现在时更合适！】 taught carefully by their brokers for their own interests. Basketball stars would recommend sports suits to you which are costly; actresses who are pregnant promised 【promise】that certain milk is nutritious without acknowledging that some ingredients are forbidden or even toxious【toxic】; and film stars appeal to their fans' to go to theatres to support their films even though this particular type of film does not suit their tastes. Some famous people even spread fake information among the public to make themselves known, which really hurt【hurts】 the feelings of those who have a crush on them.
 
Admittedly, there do exists 【exist】a small group of celebrities with broader horizon and outstanding personality. However, what they discuss is anything but stuff we should focus on and care about due to different working environment and distinct values. Rather than paying attention to things that rarely have anything to do with us, it is more rational and proper that we followed practical tips given by our parents and friends. These are the people who really know and care about us. Moreover, wouldn't it make sense if we spend the time that was originally used to listen to famous people's opinions and judge their behavior reading a biography of the ancient giants and reflecting on ourselves?
 
In a nutshell, famous people's comments are vacant and there is no sense listening to their opinions. I do recommend that we jump out of the very confinement that famous people are successful in every aspect. If there is anyone out there who still believe in their words utterly, they should think twice and step out of the comfort zone.
1、Topic Development:
首段话题展开很充分，并且表明自己的观点！
2、Organization:
两个分论点加一个让步段，结构很完整，分论点的论据也很充实！
3、Language use:
词汇句式变化丰富，几处细节错误，详见批注！
4、Strength:
观点明确，结构清楚，论证有力，论据充实！
5、Weakness:
细节方面的小问题！
6、Improvement:
写完后，稍微检查一下，注意词汇语法方面的小问题！