托福写作批改：关于耐心的话题

Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now rather than later.

学生原文：

I find an interesting phenomenon. Citizens in New York are walking on the street like running. In large shopping mall, people tend to purchase the stuff as quickly as possible, regardless of the price and quality. Why are we so hurry? Has patience becomes a priceless treasure? I think taking action soon without hesitation is a habit must be kicked.

Haste always makes waste. We need to be patient, having deliberate consideration and waiting for the right opportunity before putting our plan into practice; otherwise we can hardly get the expected outcome. My cousin once fell for a girl, and he asked me to help him chasing her. Before came to me, he constantly texted to the girl and took her to watch a movie every week, but the girl still disagreed to have a relationship with him. What a shame! I criticized him. " Do not be so cheap! She is struggling and you need to wait for the right time to get the girl on one stroke." My cousin finally agreed to decrease the frequency to link the girl. Two weeks later, dramatically, the girl sprained her ankle. According to my instruction, he took care of the girl in school very carefully, sending her to the classroom and walking with her on campus, etc. As expected, she was touched by him, and I received good news later. This little love story exemplifies, sometimes, patience is the silver bullet.

Patience is the right strategy in urgent occasions. People tend to believe that taking action soon will settle the question, but in many occasions, haste can only add the odds to get life-threatening injured. When I was a kid, my granny once had a heart attack in the bus. A young man wanted to back her to the hospital. But another elder man stopped him and gave her emergency treatment on the floor. It was very fortunate that my granny recovered later. The elder man explained that moving the heart attack patient is a fatally prohibition which may endanger life. Thus, if we are not patient enough to observe the circumstances and took action now, we will suffer a real disaster.

Admittedly, patience is not the panacea. In stock market, the stock price changed in a blink of eye. Delaying the action will court a special risk for the investor. But we should take it with a grain of salt. The Big Depression was caused by the irrational mood from the investors, who were not patient to watch the situation of economy and blindly sold their stock as the masses. We should learn from history and avoid such crisis from happening again.

Rome was not built in one day; taking action right soon will not help you to get a head start. In the long race of life, the patient people will cross the finish line first. The champion never belongs to the hot-head.

   小站教育老师批改后：

I find an interesting phenomenon. Citizens in New York are walking on the street like running. In large shopping mall, people tend to purchase the stuff as quickly as possible, regardless of the price and quality. Why are we so hurry? Has patience becomes a priceless treasure? I think taking action soon without hesitation is a habit must be kicked.

Haste always makes waste. [韵压得不错]We need to be patient, having deliberate consideration and waiting for the right opportunity before putting our plan into practice; otherwise we can hardly get the expected outcome. My cousin oncefell for a girl, and he asked me to help him chasing [Chase] her. Before came [-ing] to me, he constantly texted to to去掉] the girl and took her to watch a movie every week, but the girl still disagreed to have a relationship with him. What a shame! I criticized him. " Do not be so cheap! She is struggling and you need to wait for the right time to get the girl on one stroke." My cousin finally agreed to decrease the frequency to link [用词错误，用contact] the girl. Two weeks later, dramatically, the girl sprained her ankle. According to my instruction 用词错误，只是suggestion，instruction太强了], he took care of the girl in school very carefully, sending her to the classroom and walking with her on campus, etc. As expected, she was touched by him, and I received good news later. This little love story exemplifies, sometimes, patience is the silver bullet. [例子部分有些啰嗦了]

Patience is the right strategy in urgent occasions. People tend to believe that taking action soon will settle the question [problem], but in many occasions, haste can only add the odds to get life-threatening injured. When I was a kid, my granny once had a heart attack in the bus. A young man wanted to back [没这个用法，也没这个意思，你可以说send] her to the hospital. But another elder man stopped him and gave her emergency treatment on the floor. It was very fortunate that my granny recovered later. The elder man explained that moving the heart attack patient is a fatally prohibition [你自己读读，这样是不是矛盾了。改为idea] which may endanger life. Thus, if we are not patient enough to observe the circumstances and took action now, we will suffer a real disaster.

Admittedly, patience is not the panacea. In stock market, the stock price changed in a blink of eye. Delaying the action will court a special risk for the investor. But we should take it with a grain of salt. The Big Depression was caused by the irrational mood from the investors, who were not patient to watch the situation of economy and blindly sold their stock as the masses. We should learn from history and avoid such crisis from happening again.

Rome was [现在时]not built in one day; taking action right soon will not help you to get a head start. In the long race of life, the patient people will cross the finish line first. The champion never belongs to the hot-head.

预估分数：4.6

口语化没什么问题，你这个不算特别口语化，是可接受的程度，这篇存在的问题是语法错误较多，尤其是用词错误的问题，似乎你对一些比较普通的词语理解并不透彻，这点以后要注意一下了。