Do you aGREe or disagree with the following statement? Successful people try new things and take risks rather than only doing what they how to do well.
学生原文：
Many famous persons who are successful in their career have an unusual behavior. A majority of people also claimed that successful people like to try something new and take many risks in their life. Although risks may occur frequently with innovation, successful people never give up and face the difficulties directly. That’s a reason why they are more successful.
Apple is a good example of success. Steven Job was a genius guy who tried to invent new technology and then created Apple System. There were many risks when he created Apple Systems which cannot compatible with Microsoft System what people think the system is not convenient. People did not want to buy Apple devices. Apple Company confronted with bankruptcy. But basing on Job’s knowledge of computer system or electronic devices overcame the dilemmas. Whatever risks he met, he never gives up. Therefore, iPad and iPhone becomes successful product nowadays.
Additionally, Amazon is another successful example. Amazon is the best bookstore which suffers a website to order or exchange books conveniently. Unfortunately, when smart devices were invented, people use smart devices to read instead buying books what induce Amazon encounter a big challenge. Therefore, Amazon decides to take adventure in building own devices and inventing app which people can connect or download books they want from Amazon’s app. Amazon integrate bookstore and device that creates a novel and successful biasness.
Except taking more risks or trying new things, insistence plays animportant role for successful people. For instance, my friend has a dream tostudy abroad. Exams of TOEFL and GRE he should prepare, but his English was not good. Sometimes he wanted to abandon his dream, but he overcame the difficulty. However, he achieved his goal successfully and he can speak English frequently now. So, I think successful people have strong willpower and insist the thing what they want to do.
To sum up, successful people not only take more risks but also have more insistence than people who stay in comfortable place.
小站教育老师批改后：
Many famous persons who are successful in their career have an【空格】unusual【改为: common】 behavior. A majority of people also claimed that successful people like to try something new and take many risks in their life. Although risks may occur frequently with innovation, successful people never give up and face the difficulties directly. That’s a reason why they are more successful【这个引题段缺乏表述自己的观点哦~没有表述自己对于题目是什么观点~】.
Apple is a good example of success【乖，这个不能作为一个主题句哦~开头句要写成既能有力论证观点又能概括本段中心大意的句子】Steven Job was a genius guy who tried to invent new technology and then created Apple System. There were many risks when he created【改为: creating,是强调在这个创建的过程当中。】 Apple Systems which cannot 【+ be】 compatible with Microsoft System what people think the system is not convenient. People did not want to buy Apple devices. Apple Company confronted with bankruptcy. But basing【改为: based】 on Job’s knowledge of computer system or electronic devices overcame the dilemmas【这句话结构不通顺，建议自己重新修改哦~】. Whatever risks he met, he never gives【改为: gave】 up. Therefore, iPad and iPhone becomes【改为: became】 successful product nowadays.
Additionally, Amazon is another successful example【还是主题句的问题】. Amazon is the best bookstore which suffers a website to order or exchange books conveniently【这个句子接结构也不通顺哦~语义不明，需要自己在改一下~】. Unfortunately, when smart devices were invented, people use smart devices to read instead buying books 【乖，这里建议断句，然后把what改为:it】what induce Amazon encounter a big challenge. Therefore, Amazon decides to take adventure in building own devices and inventing app which people can connect or download books they want from Amazon’s app. Amazon integrate bookstore and device that creates a novel and successful biasness【单词使用不当哦~改为: legend】.
Except taking more risks or trying new things, insistence plays an important role for successful people. For instance, my friend has a dream to study abroad. Exams of TOEFL and GRE he should prepare, but his English was not good. Sometimes he wanted to abandon his dream, but he overcame the difficulty【改为: difficulties】. However, he achieved his goal successfully and he can speak English frequently now. So, I think successful people have strong willpower and insist the thing what they want to do【这一段的论证完全跑题了~】.
To sum up, successful people not only take more risks but also have more insistence than people who stay in comfortable place.【结论观点部分表述偏离题目~题目问的是成功的人是不是勇于尝试新事物？】
问题很多！
Introduction部分没有明确表述自己对于题目是什么观点哦~
论证段只是举了几个列子，没有很有说服力的论证性语言，而且每个论证段的主题句也没有。几个论证段没有层次感，最后一个论证段脱离题目了哦~
结论段也有部分观点表述脱离题目~
独立写作范文参见: http://www.tpooo.com/xiazai/3592_2.html
【温馨提示：独立写作的格式分为三个部分：1.观点部分，就是开头部分，要明确表述自己的观点。2. 论证部分：分2-3个方面（2-3段）来论证自己的观点，切记每段话的开头句一定要是既能概括整段话大意的，又能有力论证主题观点的句子，称为本段的主旨句。每个论证方面，也就是每段之间角度要有区别，意思最好不要相近。要从不同的方面论证观点。尽量不要出现与观点不利的表述。多进行细节论述，拓展论证内容。3. 结论部分一定要与观点保持一致，呼应观点。建议多读一些范文~】
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