托福写作批改：学会与人相处更重要

　　For success in a future job, the ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard in school.

　　学生原文：

　　When it comes to success in a future job, some people regard knowledge learned in school as the most profound in their career life. However, the ability to relate well to people is becoming more and more popular in the current society, and I hold the point that this ability is more important than studying hard in school if people want to be successful in their future job. Therefore, they neglect to accumulate the ability to relate well to people. If one considers the following reasons, he or she might disagree this statement as I do.

　　First of all, not like technologies learned in school, the ability to relate well to others will never be outdated. Some technologies which used to be pratical might not be effective today.However, if people have the ability to relate well to others, they will benefit from it in their whole life. An example gives some light to this point. My uncle Li is one of the best entrepreneur from my hometown.He did a good job in his university. After he graduated from his university, he went to the US to chase his dream.Unfortunately, his was aware of that what he had learned was not practical in the Us. Nervetheless, he has a good command of communication skills and he knows how to relate well to the people around him. In his career life, he regards his colleagues and employees like his family and he always get support from them when he meets difficulties.There is no doubt that the ability to relate well to people contributes greatly to my uncle Li's success.Thus, the ability to relate well to others will consistently benefits you in your life.

　　What is more, compared to the knowledge people learnt in their schools, the ability to relate well to others will more likely enable people to receive others' support.Professional skills people learned in school undoubtedly help people solve some problems in their work office, if you work alone, you may not have a brilliant achievement.However, the ability to relate well to others benefits people in this way.This ability will help people get along well with others.For instance, It is easy to create a friendly work environment if people can get along well with each other.And a friendly work environment will facilitate useful imformation spreading out.Thus, if people have the ability to relate well to others, they will not feel helpless.

   　　小站教育老师批改后：

　　When it comes to success in a future job, some people regard knowledge learned in school as the most profound 【thing】in their career life. However, the ability to relate well to people is becoming more and more popular in the current society, and I hold the point that this ability is more important than studying hard in school if people want to be successful in their future job. Therefore, they neglect to accumulate the ability to relate well to people. If one considers the following reasons, he or she might disagree this statement as I do.【可以，为了再高，你点分，你可以标新立异下开头 讲个小故事引入或者报道调查之类的】

　　First of all, not like technologies learned in school, the ability to relate well to others will never be outdated. 【分论据这点总洁性要强 而且尽量要出彩】Some technologies which used to be pratical might not be effective today.However, if people have the ability to relate well to others, they will benefit from it in their whole life. An example gives some light to this point. My uncle Li is one of the best entrepreneur 【entrepreneurs】from my hometown.He did a good job in his university. After he graduated from his university, he went to the US to chase his dream.Unfortunately, his 【he】was aware of that what he had learned was not practical in the Us. Nervetheless, he has a good command of communication skills and he knows how to relate well to the people around him. In his career life, he regards his colleagues and employees like his family and he always get support from them when he meets difficulties.There is no doubt that the ability to relate well to people contributes greatly to my uncle Li's success.Thus, the ability to relate well to others will consistently benefits you in your life.【例子部分在精简点，例子后面的解释再多点 注意论证比例】

　　What is more, compared to the knowledge people learnt in their schools, the ability to relate well to others will more likely enable people to receive others' support.【可以】Professional skills people learned in school undoubtedly help【这个太烂了，同类表达你就用诸如contribute to,be conductive to ,enable,facilitate好了】 people solve some problems in their work office, if you work alone, you may not have a brilliant achievement. 【不要一次性说这么一长串东西；因为什么什么；其实完全是中文模式；英语的句子是严谨和讲究逻辑的，不会这么拖拉；要真想说 就一句打住，下句再展开】However, the ability to relate well to others benefits people in this way.This ability will help 【要有高级词汇换低级词汇的意识】people get along well with others.For instance, It is easy to create a friendly work environment if people can get along well with each other.And a friendly work environment will facilitate useful imformation spreading out.Thus, if people have the ability to relate well to others, they will not feel helpless.

　　As mentioned above, according to my uncle's career, the ability to relate well to people is perpetual. Besides, it will more likely help people receive other's support.That's why I think the ability to relate well to other should be prior to studying hard in school for a success in a future job.

　　这篇我们好好来讲讲我觉的你应该提高的地方。以前有个学生问我他的独立写作感觉很不错为什么才得了fair。他写了450字左右，我以前也看过他写的东西，句子通顺，很少有明显的语法错误，但是他很少使用虚拟、倒装这些东西。你想想，字数400左右、句子通顺、结构完整、有论点有细节，这些都是最基本的要求，大家都能做到。如果别人同时还运用了很多复杂的句子结构而你没有使用，你怎么可能拿到高分？一篇文章里，强调句、倒装句、虚拟语气、the more the more 句型、并列结构、比较关系 这些都应该有所包含，比如倒装句，用习惯了是很简单的。但你这方面意识不强烈；觉得你的结构ok，但问题出在你论述的过程不够严谨，看看打了不少字，其实意思还是稍显单薄，所以你应该在论述的严密性，观点的逻辑关系和思维深度上多下功夫。至于文字比较平实，没有什么硬伤，但也没什么明显的亮点或者地道表达；从句用的还ok；建议楼主积累一些高级词汇用以替换那些用烂了的基本词汇。在掌握了一定高级词汇的基础上，对句子就应有更高要求。

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