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托福写作批改:独自一人最放松?

  Do you agree or disagree? Spending time alone is the best way to relax the stress.

  学生原文:

  It is undeniable that everyone would feel frustrated sometimes. So how to come through this period should cause grave concerns from individuals. Some argue spending time alone is the best way to relax themselves. I disagree with this view. Such factors, as friends can share the mental burdens on ourselves, and suggestions from elder people can edify our new perspectives. The specific reasons will be further illustrated.

  To begin with, the affections from mentors can always facilitate us to come through dilemmas. Under no circumstance could we underestimate the power from friends. They can always detect subtle changes in our moods and then reassure us. For example, last year, I was disoriented depressed owing to the failure in TOEFL test and thought I was deprived of opportunity to further learning. However, my best friend, Jimmy, he never abandoned confidence on me, taking various measures to encourage me and remold my faith. Gradually, I stepped out of predicament and became open-minded. It is no exaggeration to say that it was supports from Jimmy that edified me brought me out of shell. In this request, people should spend time with their friends to relax themselves.

  What’s more, suggestions from elder people can intensely sharpen our intellects, which are perfect complements to ourselves in anxiety. Compared with ourselves, seniority equip with affluent experiences to facilitate us to raise to the occasions in some adversities. To illustrate, I was disturbed about locations of colleges. Ultimately, my grandfather told me, the bottom line of location is my favor, otherwise I was likely to feel regretful when in retrospect. Abiding by this point, I left to Shanghai and acquire success nowadays. Indisputably, all my honors is inseparable with his suggestion. Therefore, the suggestions from seniority can sharpen our intellects and promote our developments.

  Granted, spending time alone can also acquire some distinctive advantages. For example, we would not be restricted to some mundane rules when we live in misery, we can take several measures to alleviate our disturbing moods. However, what we should never neglect is we always can not get enlightenment from our self-thinking and these negative moods might accumulate and form a vicious circle, severely aggravating our conditions. Therefore, it is self-evident that we should spend time with others because they can put our conditions in perspective.

  Taking into all discussion above, individuals should spend time with others when they feel stressful.

     小站教育老师批改后:

  It is undeniable that everyone would feel frustrated sometimes. So how to come through this period should cause grave concerns from individuals. Some argue【+ that】 spending time alone is the best way to relax themselves. I disagree with this view【观点表述明确~】. Such factors, as friends can share the mental burdens on ourselves, and suggestions from elder people can edify our new perspectives. The specific reasons will be further illustrated【论证性的内同建议不要出现在Introduction里面,要放在后面的论证部分表述哦~】.

  To begin with, the affections from mentors can always facilitate us to come through dilemmas. Under no circumstance【改为circumstances】 could we underestimate the power from【改为of】 friends. They can always detect subtle changes in our moods and then reassure us. For example, last year, I was disoriented depressed【两个形容词叠用了哦~删除一个~】 owing to the failure in TOEFL test and thought I was deprived of opportunity to further learning. However, my best friend, Jimmy, he never abandoned confidence on【改为in】 me, taking【改为took】 various measures to encourage me and remold my faith. Gradually, I stepped out of predicament and became open-minded. It is no exaggeration to say that it was supports【改为the support】from Jimmy that edified me brought me out of shell. In this request, people should spend time with their friends to relax themselves.

  What’s more, suggestions from elder people can intensely sharpen our intellects, which【指代不明哦~写作的时候最好注意一下句子结构尽量避免出现这种情况哦~】 are perfect complements to ourselves in anxiety. Compared with ourselves, seniority equip with affluent experiences to facilitate us to raise to the occasions in some adversities【这句话不通顺,seniority和equip的用法都不当哦~】. To illustrate, I was disturbed about 【+ the】 locations of colleges. Ultimately, my grandfather told me, the bottom line of location is my favor, otherwise I was likely to feel regretful when in retrospect. Abiding by this point, I left to【改为for】 Shanghai and acquire【改为acquired】success nowadays. Indisputably, all my honors is inseparable with his suggestion. Therefore, the suggestions from seniority can sharpen our intellects and promote our developments.

  Granted, spending time alone can also acquire some distinctive advantages. For example, we would not be restricted to【改为by】 some mundane rules 【乖,这里明显是两个独立的句子,为什么不断句呢?】when we live in misery, we can take several measures to alleviate our disturbing moods. However, what we should never neglect is 【+ that】 we always can not get enlightenment from our self-thinking and these negative moods might accumulate and form a vicious circle, severely aggravating our conditions. Therefore, it is self-evident that we should spend time with others because they can put our conditions in perspective.

  Taking into all discussion above, individuals should spend time with others when they feel stressful.

  预估:3.5

  整体观点较为明确,但是几个论证段的论证内容较为相近,都是别人的帮助可以使我们脱离困境。没有从不同的角度进行论证哦。

  每个论证段的主题句还需要加强!不够突出和有说服力。

  部分句子断句不够,造成句子结构不条理,语义混乱,需啊改正哦。

  继续加油!
 

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