托福独立写作批改（精编）

　　你是否同意“Because the world is changing so quickly, people now are less happy or less satisfied with their lives than people were in the past.”

　　As the intense development of technology, human’s life is experiencing dramatic changes.The（注意单词之间的空格改为: changes.后边添加空格。下文中还有多处有类似的问题，注意规避）surge of computer, followed by the popularity of smart phone, has made our life incredible（副词修饰形容词，修改为: incredibly）different. It’s easy to compliment the convenience which technology brings us, while it’s hard to admit that people are actually happy with the convenient life. From my perspective, I strongly hold that people are drifting away from the simply happiness with the extraordinary changes（观点表述明确）.

　　First of all, the ever speeding up pace of people's life is draining their sense of happiness（论点很好）. The industry is booming in an amazing rate, contributed（因果关系，修改为 due）to the highly developed technology as well as the economy. Unlike what's with the people（用法有误，建议修改）in the past, contemporary employees have to be confronted（应改为 confront） with great pressure. Work is seemingly less labor-consuming and yet more time-consuming. HuaWei, the biggest digital facility enterprise in China, has an average working hours of ten hours a day, according to a senior employee, named Chenyu, who stated during an interview. To be sure, he gets a real（修改为 really）nice salary regularly. Whereas he just didn’t seem to have time to enjoy what he earned with his family, as how he put it（表述意思不明）. Chenyu has a two-year-old son whom he didn’t get to see very often even under the same roof every day, for he went to work quite early in the morning and returned very later in the night when the little boy was sleeping then（建议修改为 has already fall asleep）. Though it may be easy to measure what one earns, it is extremely difficult to value what one loses meantime.

　　What’s worse, the problem not only appears to be mental（添加名词issue）but also physical issue（论点很好）. People now are suffering the byproducts of development—the pollution. The environment continues to deteriorate（修改为 deteriorating）, bringing in variety of diseases, which becomes the main source of unhappiness. Compared to the surrounding now（建议改为 Compared with modern people）, people in the past were more close to nature, and the condition was more agreeable to human. Take example of my hometown Wuhan, a metropolis in China. It was such a beautiful and charming city for there are a lot of classic architectures presenting Chinese traditional culture. However, it is hard to appreciate those buildings any more with the heavy haze crawling on your head every day, due to the factories around the city. The east lake, which used to be very enchanting and difficult not to be temped, is now giving away nasty scent, for the industrial effluents is kept pouring into the lake（句子结构有问题，不通常，建议重新做调整）. Each year, many people had diseases related to polluted air or water. No one can be really satisfied with his life being put in such a situation.

　　Last but not the（the 删掉）least, the connection of people is weakened by those smart equipments（equipment为不可数名词，因此修改为 equipment）, thank（修改为 due）to the development of technology（论点较为新颖）. The digital devices nowadays are widely used, sparing much human effort. However, it is these high-tech products that dilute（应用被动语态，修改为 diluted）human’s affection. The key reason is that the smart devices reduce the necessity of interaction between people in real life. They spent a great deal of time on playing with their phone than they do with their friends. Friends are not as happy as they were in the past. It is quite common to see a group of young people walking or having meal together, each of them bending their head down with an Iphone in hand. It is really hard to talk with one who is too busy with his phone. Sometimes the same words need to be repeated for many times to draw his attention. He would willingly（建议修改为 be willing to） talk to someone using QQ or Skype via the phone, while turning a deaf ear to what his companion said. This eccentric life style seems allergic to sensible human contact. It minimizes the distance of（修改为: between）people far away, but maximizes the distance of（同上，修改为 between）people nearby. 

　　Our life is more elaborate（修改为 elaborated）and sophisticated than ever. People are supposed to be happier as what the development of society means us to be. It somehow tells a different story. As far as I’m concerned, I believe that the simplicity in the past brought people more joy than the complicate（修改为 complicated）development does now.   

　　小站教育名师综合点评如下：

　　Independent Task 3.5

　　Level：Fair  21
　　
　　Level: FAIR (2.5–3.5)

　　通篇文章中多次出现语法错误，动词语态使用不当，固定短语搭配不当及使用方法不熟悉。

　　整篇文章中有较强的中式思维表达方式，造成语句不通顺，语义不明。

　　文章篇幅过长，老师阅读也会感到很累。建议字数控制在320字左右。

　　ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK

　　Write a response to an article or essay in English, taking the opposite viewpoint.

　　Outline your response.

　　Note the methods you use to support your ideas. Reread what you have written.

　　Make sure your supporting ideas are clearly related to your main point.

　　Note what method you use to develop each of your supporting points.

　　Make sure you have developed each of your points in detail. Is there anything more you could have said to strengthen your points?

　　尝试用反面观点来进行论证。

　　写文章前先制定写作大纲。

　　写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后要回看修改。

　　注意论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。

　　论证方式要多样化。

　　注意论据要多用细节。看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。