论文批改

　　原文：
　　Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Car has had a greater effect on the society than airplane

　　There is no denying that car, as one of the transports, brings us a lot of convenience and takes us to a new period in which people focus on the word “speed” along with airplane. So the importance of car and airplane to the society can never be exaggerated. Nevertheless, car can’t be paralleled by airplane, since car indeed has had a more enormous effect on the society than airplane.
　　
　　First of all, the well development of car industry promotes the rapid development of social economy. With no doubt that car industry makes a huge contribution to the increase of GDP,which becomes an essential part of social economy evaluation, especially in economic powers, like USA or Japan. A statistic shows that almost 30 percent of GDP, an amazing data,attributed to car industry in 2009, from which we witness the sufficient energy of car industry. Compared with car, airplane is also significant to GDP,but it will be eclipsed by car. From now on, car industry has become one of main industries of globe economy.
　　
　　Also, because of the popularization of car in the world our routine life styles have been changed. To be specific, car is so convenient and so efficient for short-distance transportation that an increasing number of people want to buy it for working, traveling,etc. We went to workplaces on foot or by bicycle in the past, while car becomes a predominant transport for work today,by which will largely reduce the time cost on the road. Although by airplane maybe more efficient, it costs more and nerver will be airplane available within a city; Once I successfully gained a company’s offer after a drastic competition, and what makes me prior to other competitors is that I had a driving license, through which I will be admitted driving a car for many ordinary works. Hence, car influence our routine life so much that it has been a social necessity.
　　
　　Finally, car is one of the most fundamental factors which caused the global energy shortage. Every year millions of cars are produced and each car needs a lot of energy which is very limited so that the confliction between car and energy raised. It is said that the traditional energy like fossil fuels will not supply cars in 50 years. Global energy problem is definitely fateful for society and car is a crucial factor to global energy shortage, in this case, car puts an unbelievable negative impact on society. Airplane also deplete energy, but compared with car the number of airplane is too small.
　　
　　In a nutshell, now as car impact us so much, from economy to life style to global energy that we literally can not live without car. Thus,it is reasonable to say that hardly will airplane match car in the effect on society.

　　批改后：
　　Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Car has had a greater effect on the society than airplane

　　There is no denying that car, as one of the transports, brings us a lot of convenience and takes us to a new period in which people focus on the word “speed” along with airplane. So the importance of car and airplane to the society can never be exaggerated. Nevertheless, car can’t be paralleled by airplane, since car indeed has had a more enormous effect on the society than airplane.

　　First of all, the well（修改为good）development of car industry promotes the rapid development of social economy. With no doubt that car industry makes a huge contribution to the increase of GDP,which becomes an essential part of social economy evaluation, especially in economic powers, like USA or Japan. A statistic shows that almost 30 percent of GDP, an amazing data,（语法有问题，这里需要加is）attributed to car industry in 2009, from which we witness the sufficient energy of car industry. Compared with car, airplane is also significant to GDP,but it will be eclipsed by car. From now on, car industry has become one of main industries of globe economy.

　　Also, because of the popularization of car in the world our routine life styles have been changed. To be specific, car is so convenient and so efficient for short-distance transportation that an increasing number of people want to buy it for working, traveling,etc. We went to workplaces on foot or by bicycle in the past, while car becomes a predominant transport for work today,by which will largely reduce the time cost on the road. Although by airplane maybe more efficient, it costs more and nerver will be airplane available within a city（语序有问题，需要重新调整）; Once I successfully gained a company’s offer after a drastic competition, and what makes me prior to other competitors is that I had a driving license, through which I will be admitted driving a car for many ordinary works[work]. Hence, car influence our routine life so much that it has been a social necessity.

　　Finally, car is one of the most fundamental factors which caused the global energy shortage. Every year millions of cars are produced and each car needs a lot of energy which is very limited so that the confliction between car and energy （同上，添加is）raised. It is said that the traditional energy like fossil fuels will not supply cars in 50 years. Global energy problem is definitely fateful for society and car is a crucial factor to global energy shortage, in this case, car puts an unbelievable negative impact on society. Airplane also deplete energy, but compared with car the number of airplane is too small.

　　In a nutshell, now as car impact us so much, from economy to life style to global energy that we literally can not live without car. Thus,it is reasonable to say that hardly will airplane match car in the effect on society.

　　An essay at this level is marked by one or more of the following:

　　Addresses the topic and task using somewhat developed explanations, exemplifications, and/or details

　　Displays unity, progression, and coherence, though connection of ideas may be occasionally obscured

　　May demonstrate inconsistent facility in sentence formation and word choice that may result in lack of clarity and occasionally obscure meaning

　　May display accurate but limited range of syntactic structures and Vocabulary

　　1.观点较为明确，能较准确使用论证方式，包括例证，解释说明等。

　　2.文章结构完整，衔接恰当，但是部分分论点表意不清。

　　3.句型选择不够多样化，词汇量基础有限，导致某些地方意思表述不清晰。

　　Independent task Overall score LEVEL: FAIR

　　3.5 3.5 22

　　ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK

　　Outline your response

　　Write a response to an article or essay in English, taking the opposite viewpoint.

　　Note the methods you use to support your ideas. Reread what you have written.

　　Make sure your supporting ideas are clearly related to your main point.

　　Note what method you use to develop each of your supporting points.

　　Make sure you have developed each of your points in detail. Is there anything more you could have said to strengthen your points?

　　先制定写作大纲，理清思路。

　　尝试用反面观点来进行论证。

　　写作是需要注意使用的论证方式，写好之后做修改检查。

　　论据和论点之间的关系要紧密。

　　论证方式尽量多样化。

　　论据要多用细节，看是否有更多的论据来支撑观点。