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托福写作批改:减压的办法是独处吗?

作文批改前:


Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to truly relax and reduce stress is to spend time alone.


With the increasing pressure of work or study nowadays, there exist two groups of people who deal with their pressure in two absolutely different ways. One group of people tend to spend time alone when they need relax and reduce stress while another prefer to stay with their friends to have fun. Depending on my personal experience and personality type, I truly believe that spending time with friends or families is more positive than keeping alone.

To start with, you are more likely to distract attention from the things which make you overwhelmed when you are with others. By this I mean that if you spend time with friends, you need to listen to them and think about them other than focus on your issues on study or during work which enables you to have a real relax because when you are alone you are poorly likely to get away from the worries. It is a truth for a great numbers of people including myself. I just remember that when I was in high school, I got a dissatisfied score on math which I loved, I felt so bad about myself and could not concentrate on other things at all. My friend Lisa came to me to invite me to play badminton, and after played with her, I felt much better and regained confidence about myself.   

Additionally, spending time with others to relax enables you to obtain or enhance close relationship with others. By spending time with others on the same interest or just chat, you can get a better knowing about the persons and develop your friendships beside reducing your pressure and having fun. Thus, you can turn to them when you have difficulties as they are trustworthy friends. The friendship between me and my friend Lisa which I mentioned above is promoted after that exam for she stood by me and cheered me up when I was disappointed.

Admittedly, some people do think they feel more relaxed when they are alone, but for most people, staying alone won’t help you figure out your problems since you can not get out of your restriction and learn from others. There are increasing people who suicide everyday because they can not deal with their stress and problems themselves. So, we all need to learn to talk with others and share our feelings to relax and reduce pressure.

As I discussed above, we can conclude that spending time with others is a more positive and optimistic way to relax and reduce stress than staying alone as you are more likely to solve your problems and obtain or enhance friendships with others.


小站作文批改后:

With the increasing pressure of work or study nowadays, there exist two groups of people who deal with their pressure in two absolutely different ways. One group of people tend to spend time alone when they need relax and reduce stress while another prefer to stay with their friends to have fun. Depending on my personal experience and personality type[去掉], I truly believe that spending time with friends or families is more positive than keeping alone.[开头不错]

To start with, you are more likely to distract attention from the things which make you overwhelmed[逻辑是不是跟你的论证相左?或者是表述的问题,overwhelmed表意不够明确,到底指的是和朋友在一起干的是overwhelm,还是压力overwhelm了你] when you are with others. By this I mean that if you spend time with friends, you need to listen to them and think about them other than focus on your issues on study or during work which enables[搞清楚which从句修饰的先行词是什么] you to have a real relax because when you are alone you are poorly likely to get away from the worries. It is a truth for a great numbers of people including myself. I just remember that when I was in high school, I got a dissatisfied score on math which I loved, [and] I felt so bad about myself and could not concentrate on other things at all. My friend Lisa came to me to invite me to play badminton, and after played with her, I felt much better and regained confidence about myself. [总体来看思路应该比较清晰,但是语言表达欠佳,造成看起来没有想象中的清晰]

Additionally, spending time with others to relax enables you to obtain or enhance close relationship with others. By spending time with others on the same interest or just chat, you can get a better knowing about the persons[person] and develop your friendships[friendship] beside【besides】 reducing your pressure and having fun. Thus, you can turn to them when you have difficulties as they are trustworthy friends. The friendship between me and my friend Lisa which I mentioned above is promoted after that exam for she stood by me and cheered me up when I was disappointed.

Admittedly, some people do think they feel more relaxed when they are alone, but for most people, staying alone won’t help you figure out your problems since you can not get out of your restriction and learn from others. There are increasing people who suicide everyday because they can not deal with their stress and problems themselves. So, we all need to learn to talk with others and share our feelings to relax and reduce pressure.

As I discussed above, we can conclude that spending time with others is a more positive and optimistic way to relax and reduce stress than staying alone as you are more likely to solve your problems and obtain or enhance friendships with others.

预估分数:4

逻辑非常清晰,论证有理有据,只有第二段写的不尽如人意,可做稍微改动

几处细节性的问题需要注意



Independent Task

LevelGood

4

24

 

Level: GOOD (4.0–5.0)


ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INTERGRATED TASK


>> Continue to improve your ability to relate and convey information from two or more sources. For example, practice analyzing reading passages in English.


>> Read two articles or chapters on the same topic or issue, write a summary of each, and then explain the ways they are similar and the ways they are different.


>> Practice combining listening and reading by searching for readings related to talks and lectures with teacher or a friend.


ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK


>> Continue to improve your ability to express opinions by studying the ways that published writers express their opinions.


>> Read articles and essays written by professional writers that express opinions about an issue (for example, a social, environmental or educational issue).


>> Identify the writer’s opinion or opinions.


>> Notice how the writer addresses possible objections to the opinions, if the writer discusses these.


>>尽量多阅读范文,模仿好的文章中作者阐述论证观点的方式。


>>多阅读不同类型话题的文章,积累专业作家针对不同话题的观点内容。


>>可以多引用别人的观点内容。


>>阅读范文过程中,注意作者如何反向论证观点。


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