托福写作批改：你赞同使用清洁能源还是传统能源？

 

Generally speaking, all the energy resources can be divided into two categories, traditional resources and new ones. Consider environmental protection and cost-saving, I am a strongly advocate that we should both use traditional and new sources, for either of them cannot be completely abandoned. My opinions are listed as follows.

 

To begin with, there is no denying that traditional resources such as oil and coal are less expensive, but it may exert a negative influence on our environment in the long run. To state it clearly, with the rapid development of industrialization, oil and coal has played an indispensable role in our daily life, since quite a number of industries largely rely on traditional resources. However, they also have several limitations that its contamination will inevitably trigger serious environmental problems, such as ocean acidification, smog, water pollution and so on. Furthermore, it is extremely dangerous when exploiting traditional resources, according to a recent survey conducted by environmental scientists from Yale University, there are at least 300 accidents of mine explosion caused by the excavation of coal.

 

Another apparent reason is that new resources such as solar energy and geothermal energy are renewable and environmental-friendly, but they may cost people a huge amount of money to utilize it. Take solar energy as an example, although it may emit less detrimental gas into the atmosphere, it is inconvenient for people to collect and store, which may require strong and steady financial support. Moreover, solar energy is greatly limited by the weather conditions, especially in the rainy day, its working efficiency will decrease to a large extent, which may not completely meet people’s expectation.

 

According to the two points mentioned above, traditional resources and new ones have their own advantages and disadvantages; what we are supposed to do is to use them both. For instance, in the metropolises such as Beijing and Shanghai, where air pollution is intensely serious, individuals should be encouraged to use new resources to effectively address this issue. What's more, we should also use public transportation like subway and bus instead of driving private cars, which can also resolve the problem of air pollution. On the other hand, in some small towns, where individuals' financial conditions are poor, traditional resources can be used in order to release people's financial burden. Therefore, whether we should use traditional resources or new resources depends on different situations.

 

In a nutshell, I am firmly convinced that people should both use traditional and new sources. What government ought to do is to provide more funding and grants for researchers to develop a new access to reduce the cost of new sources to meet people's expectation, and formulate a few relevant laws to increase individual’s awareness of environmental protection.

小站批改后：

Some people argue using a cleaner energy to protect the environment, but some people say the traditional energy sources such as oil and coal is less expensive, what it your suggestion?
 
Generally speaking, all the energy resources can be divided into two categories, traditional resources and new ones. Consider [-ing，或改为given]environmental protection and cost-saving, I am a strongly advocate that we should both use traditional and new sources, for either of them cannot be completely abandoned. My opinions are listed as follows. [开头比较清楚简洁，但还不算新颖的，还需继续努力]

To begin with, there is no denying that traditional resources such as oil and coal are less expensive, but it may exert a negative influence on our [the，尽量用第三人称]environment in the long run. To state it clearly, with the rapid development[都可以换掉的，advancement之类] of industrialization, oil and coal has played an indispensable role in our daily life, since quite a number of industries largely rely on traditional resources. However, they also have several limitations that its [前面不是they吗]contamination will inevitably trigger serious environmental problems, such as ocean acidification, smog, water pollution and so on. Furthermore, it is extremely dangerous when exploiting traditional resources, according to a recent survey conducted by environmental scientists from Yale University, there are at least 300 accidents of mine explosion caused by the excavation of coal[每天还是每分钟还是什么？]. 

Another apparent reason is that new resources such as solar energy and geothermal energy are renewable and environmental-friendly, but they may cost people[people去掉，从上下文可以推断出来的意思不用写] a huge amount of money to utilize it. [以及科技研究]Take solar energy as an example, although it may emit less detrimental gas into the atmosphere, it is inconvenient for people to collect and store, which may require strong and steady financial support. Moreover, solar energy is greatly limited by the weather conditions, especially in the rainy day, its working efficiency will decrease to a large extent, which may not completely meet people’s [这个people’s也是多余]expectation. [这段总的来说不错，很有条理，分析也较为细致]

According to the two points mentioned above, traditional resources and new ones have their own advantages and disadvantages; what we are supposed to do is to use them both. For instance, in the metropolises such as Beijing and Shanghai, where air pollution is intensely serious, individuals should be encouraged to use new resources to effectively address this issue. What's more, we should also use public transportation like subway and bus instead of driving private cars, which can also resolve the problem of air pollution. On the other hand, in some small towns, where individuals' financial conditions are poor, traditional resources can be used in order to release people's financial burden. Therefore, whether we should use traditional resources or new resources depends on different situations. 这个分类不错，考虑很全面，也合理]

In a nutshell, I am firmly convinced that people should both use traditional and new sources. What government ought to do is to provide more funding and grants for researchers to develop a new access to reduce the cost of new sources to meet people's expectation, and formulate a few relevant laws to increase individual’s awareness of environmental protection. [结尾也不错，很自然，而且在以上的基础上进行了延伸]
 
预估分数：4.2
 
总的来说不错，观点展开很清楚，而且论述较为仔细，能看出来你做了较多的思考，而且思考也较为全面。
表述很流畅，句子之间的关系也很明显，但表达还不算好的，句式不够多样化，还需要继续努力写的时候，多想想，可以怎么换着角度地来写一个意思，而且，注意使用一些不晦涩但大家一般不太用到的词。
 

Independent Task	Level：Good
4．2	25

 
Level: GOOD (4.0–5.0)
ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK
>> Continue to improve your ability to express opinions by studying the ways that published writers express their opinions.
>> Read articles and essays written by professional writers that express opinions about an issue (for example, asocial, environmental or educational issue).
>> Identify the writer’s opinion or opinions.
>> Notice how the writer addresses possible objections to the opinions, if the writer discusses these.