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托福写作批改:食品容易准备会改善了人们的生活方式吗?


作文批改前:

The twenty first century has witnessed a myriad of changes in many fields, which certainly includes food production. The process of preparing food is taking less time, money and workforce for both manufactures and household families. The easy availability of food may improve the way of living for many people, however, in my opinion, it is not as beneficial as it appears if we carefully consider its disadvantages.
 
To begin with, the manufacturing in most of factories lowers the quality of food because the priority of enterprises is profit they can earn. Think about the food we usually have in restaurants in daily life. They tend to be oily junk food or can be preserved for a long time. The calories, which are much more than we need actually, and the chemical for preservation are likely to give rise to obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and other diseases. Although easy preparation raises the quantity of food, the mean low level of quality poses a greater threat to human beings’ health conditions.
 
Large amounts of food produced in such a practical but rather singular way not only does harm to fitness, but also negatively influences the mood of diners. Preparing food was originally a skill involved fine raw materials, special-made recipes and cooks’ proficient command of cooking. Delicate cuisine needs to be fantastic in taste, smell and color. But what about nowadays all the same food coming out of a giant, emotionless machine? In this way the oversimplification of food preparation in no way contributes to the type of excellent food.
 
The simplified preparation has one more effect on social problem. In the past, cooking food not only means an approach to staying alive in biologically, but also is a opportunity for the entire family to gather together communicating with one another. Nevertheless, since the procedures of preparing food is largely subtracted, the golden time for building up family bonds has also been diminished. People only regard the dining time as a ringing bell to eat things, which will be later digested in order to survive. The loss of enjoyment during meals, which may separate people invisibly, is a third drawback given by easy food preparation.
 
The shortcut of food preparation combines human’s intelligence throughout a long period of time and also provides us some benefits like the increased quantity. But if we stop for a while and think about the health problems, simplex types and deprived chances for family talking that it brings about, the conclusion is that it does not virtually improve the way people live.

小站批改后:

Topic: Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live? Use specific resons【改为: reasons】 and examples to support your answer.

The twenty first century has witnessed a myriad of changes in many fields, which certainly includes food production. The process of preparing food is taking less time, money and workforce for both manufactures and household families. The easy availability of food may improve the way of living for many people, however, in my opinion, it is not as beneficial as it appears if we carefully consider its disadvantages【观点表述不够贴切题目,题目问的是食物越来越好准备有没有改进人们的生活,最好能根据这个题目来表述观点!哦~】.

To begin with, the manufacturing in most of factories lowers the quality of food because the priority of enterprises is【+ the】 profit they can earn. Think about the food we usually have in restaurants in daily life. They tend to be oily junk food or can be preserved for a long time. The calories, which【删除】 are much more than we need actually, and the chemical for preservation are likely to give rise to obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and other diseases. Although easy preparation raises the quantity of food, the mean【改为: it means 】 low level of quality poses a greater threat to human beings’ health conditions.

Large amounts of food produced in such a practical but rather singular way not only does harm to fitness, but also negatively influences the mood of diners. Preparing food was originally a skill involved fine raw materials, special-made recipes and cooks’ proficient command of cooking. Delicate cuisine needs to be fantastic in taste, smell and color. But what about nowadays all the same food coming out of a giant, emotionless machine? In this way the oversimplification of food preparation in no way contributes to the type of excellent food.

The simplified preparation has one more effect on social problem【这句话比较中立,不适合放在段首作为主题句,没有论证性~】. In the past, cooking food not only means an approach to staying alive in biologically, but also is a【改为: an】 opportunity for the entire family to gather together communicating with one another. Nevertheless, since the procedures of preparing food is largely subtracted, the golden time for building up family bonds has also been diminished. People only regard the dining time as a ringing bell to eat things, which will be later digested in order to survive. The loss of enjoyment during meals, which may separate people invisibly, is a third drawback given by easy food preparation.

The shortcut of food preparation combines human’s intelligence throughout a long period of time and also provides us some benefits like the increased quantity. But if we stop for a while and think about the health problems, simplex types and deprived chances for family talking that it brings about, the conclusion is that it does not virtually improve the way people live.

Introduction观点表述不够贴切题目,前两个论证段层次感不鲜明,论证角度较为相近,需要从不同的角度进行论证!

论证段的主题句不够突出,论证部分要分2-3段,分别从不同的角度进行论证,一般每个论证段的开头句建议写成既能有力论证观点又能概括本段中心大意的句子作为本段的主旨句,建议多参考一下范文的内容格式~!


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