ESSAY批改——西北工业大学

　　What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

　　The first unique quality that caught my eyes is the extraordinary scenery of Northwestern’s campus and its location. The campus is beautiful and it is besides a lake. The beautiful scenery can really benefit me as I am always in a good mood in such environments. In addition, the university is close to Chicago, which makes it quick and easy to go to a big city. It provides great convenience to me since I live in Shanghai and I have grown to love life in big cities.

　　In addition, Northwestern is a charter member of the Big Ten Conference with 19 varsity athletic programs. I love sports and I have played tennis for years. The tennis club is quite professional in the university and it provides opportunities for players to participate in three tournaments a year. It is also a member of USTA's Tennis On Campus League. I was the president of the tennis club at my school and I even directed a tournament. The professional scale of the tennis club at Northwestern University is another reason I chose to apply.

　　I would like to apply to the department of Physics and Astronomy in Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences. Physics has long been my interest. Physics’ explanation of the world inspires me, and its impact on my thought process excites me.

　　Since my life in the future (study and career) will be closely related to Physics, I want to further my education in Physics. Astrophysics is an important category in Physics. Astronomical phenomenon provides explanation for modern theories and shows people paths and evidence for creation of new systems and theories. Professors in the university have advanced studies and research of astronomy. For example, Professor Kalogera participates in the research on detection of the emission of gravity waves by masses, which is based on general relativity. Therefore, the advantageous education of astrophysics impresses me and attracts me to apply to the department, and Northwestern as a whole.

　　批改后

　　What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified? (请参考斑竹之前的那篇WHY SCHOOL怎么写的帖子，明显这个问题其实就是在问这个，所以，以下文章真心希望重写)

　　The first unique quality that caught my eyes is the extraordinary scenery of Northwestern’s campus and its location. (this could never and ever be the quality attracted you at the first place,caution!)The campus is beautiful and it is besides a lake. The beautiful scenery can really benefit me as I am always in a good mood in such environments. In addition, the university is close to Chicago, which makes it quick and easy to go to a big city. It provides great convenience to me since I live in Shanghai and I have grown to love life in big cities.

　　In addition, Northwestern is a charter member of the Big Ten Conference with 19 varsity athletic programs. I love sports and I have played tennis for years. The tennis club is quite professional in the university and it provides opportunities for players to participate in three tournaments a year. It is also a member of USTA's Tennis On Campus League. I was the president of the tennis club at my school and I even directed a tournament. The professional scale of the tennis club at Northwestern University is another reason I chose to apply.(you need to tell us your achievement in tennis and your charactor, instead of sucking up to the unversity's facility and all these fames)

　　I would like to apply to the department of Physics and Astronomy in Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences. Physics has long been my interest. Physics’ explanation of the world inspires me, and its impact on my thought process excites me.

　　(so actually this piont could be the first one you choose to apply for NW,but you need to highlight how the special academic background /research availability the college could offer to you，try to find something useful on the school website)

　　Since my life in the future (study and career) will be closely related to Physics, I want to further my education in Physics. Astrophysics is an important category in Physics. Astronomical phenomenon provides explanation for modern theories and shows people paths and evidence for creation of new systems and theories. (stop talking these empty words ,say something meanful and specific )Professors in the university have advanced studies and research of astronomy. For example, Professor Kalogera participates in the research on detection of the emission of gravity waves by masses, which is based on general relativity. (what's more?)Therefore, the advantageous education of astrophysics impresses me and attracts me to apply to the department, and Northwestern as a whole.

　　点评：这种问题关键还是在于怎么样写出，你为什么选我和我为什么选你。我个人是觉得前者比较重要。所以说，文章里面讲述风景优美的，还是不要放在开头，另外，学校的特色专业，科研，专家等可以再说的详细些，再结合自己的情况加以描述自己的MOTIVATION，这样文章才看起来不那么无聊和乏味，千篇一律。