托福作文批改：你是否同意政府应该更多支持艺术家?

2015年06月11日11:38 来源：小站整理: 参与（0）阅读（4577）

摘要：小站综合点评及批改意见：预估24分。观点论点展开比较清楚，而且论述较为仔细。论述较为深刻而有说服力。对于细节和详略方面还需要稍加注意一下。

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The government should support artists rather than allow them to support themselves.

Nowadays, some people claim that the governmentshould support artists instead of themselves. However, I think this statementcannot be beneficial to both artists and the whole society due to the pointsbelow.
First of all, the assistance from theadministrators may restrict the freedom of artists. The reason is that whenartists get financial help from the government, they become the governmentemployees to some extent, which means they have to work for the government. Ifthe government needs to advocate its policies, it will try to exploit artists.Meanwhile, in order to continue getting funding from the government, artistshave to obey the instructions from the government and abandon the freedom ofcreating the works they want to create.
In addition, support for artists is notfair to the society, since the artist is just a kind of occupation no otherthan the architecture, the entrepreneur or the worker in factories. If one kindof vocation can get help from the government, as far as fairness concerned, allkinds of careers should get assistance, too. However, if the truth is that theentrepreneur is striving for managing his or her enterprise but the artist caneasily get money without hard work, this phenomenon would certainly have apessimistic influence on the society and students who are determining theirfuture careers.
Last but not least, permitting artists tosupport themselves can propel the competition in the art field. In order tosurvive, artists have to think hard about how to appeal audiences or theirpotential consumers so that they may struggle to show their skills and featuresto defeat other artists. In consequence, more unique works will be created andart will thrive over years.

All in all, admitting artists to supportthemselves has many benefits that government support does not have and that isthe reason why I strongly believe artists should make a living on their owninstead of depending on the government.

小站写作批改后：

Nowadays, some people claim that the government should support artists instead of themselves. However, I think this statement【主语不应该是statement，只是一种言论不会引起好或坏的影响】 cannot be beneficial to both artists and the whole society due to the points below.
First of all, the assistance from the administrators【government更合适】 may restrict the freedom of artists. The reason is that when artists get financial help from the government, they become the government employees to some extent, which means they have to work for the government. If the government needs to advocate its policies, it will try to exploit artists.Meanwhile, in order to continue getting funding from the government, artists have to obey the instructions from the government and abandon the freedom of creating the works they want to create【去掉。freedom已有这层意思】.
In addition, support for artists is not fair to the society, since the artist is just a kind of occupation no other than the architecture【architect】, the entrepreneur or the worker in factories. If one kind of vocation can get help from the government, as far as fairness concerned, all kinds of careers should get assistance, too. However, if the truth is that the entrepreneur is striving for managing his or her enterprise but the artist can easily get money without hard work, this phenomenon would certainly have a pessimistic influence on the society and students who are determining their future careers【既然前面完全没有提到过学生的问题，突然冒出来有点突兀。要不就略去，要不就稍展开】.
Last but not least, permitting artists to support themselves can propel the competition in the art field. In order to survive, artists have to think hard about how to appeal audiences or their potential consumers so that they may struggle to show their skills and features to defeat other artists. In consequence, more unique works will be created and art will thrive over years.
All in all, admitting artists to support themselves has many benefits that government support【主语不当，改为government's support】 does not have and that is the reason why I strongly believe artists should make a living on their own instead of depending on the government.
【提出的支撑点都比较好，深刻而有说服力。对于细节和详略方面稍加注意一下】

Independent Task	Level：Good
4	24

Level: GOOD (4.0–5.0)

ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INTERGRATED TASK

>> Continue to improve your ability to relate and convey information from two or more sources. For example, practice analyzing reading passages in English.

>> Read two articles or chapters on the same topic or issue, write a summary of each, and then explain the ways they are similar and the ways they are different.

>> Practice combining listening and reading by searching for readings related to talks and lectures with teacher or a friend.

ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK

>> Continue to improve your ability to express opinions by studying the ways that published writers express their opinions.

>> Read articles and essays written by professional writers that express opinions about an issue (for example, a social, environmental or educational issue).

>> Identify the writer’s opinion or opinions.

>> Notice how the writer addresses possible objections to the opinions, if the writer discusses these.

>>尽量多阅读范文，模仿好的文章中作者阐述论证观点的方式。

>>多阅读不同类型话题的文章，积累专业作家针对不同话题的观点内容。

>>可以多引用别人的观点内容。

>>阅读范文过程中，注意作者如何反向论证观点。