托福写作批改：关于生活的健康话题

First and foremost , it is never too much for government to attach great focus on growth of children. 【可以】However, as a matter of fact, the ignorance has already resulted in the dreadful situation. The recently revealed survey indicates that obesity, in kids of five to twelve, has gradually turned out to be the most prevalent diseases.【前后要一致】Lack of exercises, large time keeping seated, immersed in computer games and TV programs and excessive oil intake have all contribute to the increasing number of the obese. Government is supposed to pay the bill of the absence of publicity in promoting the beneficial habits through either TV public interest advertisements or leaflets. 

Apart from that, government also pales in raising elder people’s consciousness of engaging in daily exercises. When it comes to public infrastructures, the situation is far from satisfying. Let alone the small quantities, the already established facilities are vulnerable to thorough breakdown due to the lack of elaborate maintenance. This conveys the negative signal to the old that government barely pays attention to the health training. With less free and convenient equipment available, the senior gradually give up exercises and fall in to sub-healthy condition.【细节再展现点 尽量在真实可信点；想时间状语 何时何地 细节数字啊 老外很迷信数字的】

Admittedly, the majority of the middle-aged might be the most highly [people ] aware of the significance of exercises. However, labor forces are exhausted under the burden of the over-prolonged working hours and the exceeding working intensity. In particular, Chinese middle generation sacrifice their spare time working to enhance the life quality of the whole family. If the social welfare system is well refined, they may not forced to work so hard by the pressures. In this sense, there is still a large room for government to conduct them to an more balanced life style by alleviating their stresses.【可以少写点 但是段落最好要够；才能显得逻辑紧密 论证饱满点】

From all the arguments above, I may safely draw the conclusion that government genuinely hasn’t completely fulfill its shouldered responsibility to educate citizens about the preponderance a healthy life style would bring to them. But I hold the belief that all the problems will be addressed in the future.【可以】

写作估分：24分；

这篇我们好好来讲讲我觉的你应该提高的地方。以前有个学生问我他的独立写作感觉很不错为什么才得了fair。他写了450字左右，我以前也看过他写的东西，句子通顺，很少有明显的语法错误，但是他很少使用虚拟、倒装这些东西。你想想，字数400左右、句子通顺、结构完整、有论点有细节，这些都是最基本的要求，大家都能做到。如果别人同时还运用了很多复杂的句子结构而你没有使用，你怎么可能拿到高分？

一篇文章里，强调句、倒装句、虚拟语气、the more the more 句型、并列结构、比较关系 这些都应该有所包含，比如倒装句，用习惯了是很简单的。但你这方面意识不强烈；觉得你的结构ok，但问题出在你论述的过程不够严谨，看看打了不少字，其实意思还是稍显单薄，所以你应该在论述的严密性，观点的逻辑关系和思维深度上多下功夫。至于文字比较平实,没有什么硬伤，但也没什么明显的亮点或者地道表达从句用的还ok；建议积累一些高级词汇用以替换那些用烂了的基本词汇。在掌握了一定高级词汇的基础上，对句子就应有更高要求。