托福写作批改：耐心一定是好事吗？

Cell phones and the internet play an important part in the which people relate to one another socially. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

学生原文：

Nowadays people in a growing number are raising awareness about innovative changes brought by the developed information techniques. Some arguments claim that cell phones and internet have become the fundamental part of people's social life. While, according to my perspective, though they definitely change the way of how people interact with each other, it still can not be the replacements for some tranditional communication approaches.

Admittedly, the emergency of mobile devices and internet has basically allowed people to effectively and efficiently communicate with each other, even in a distant place. Individual message could be sent to his/her friend in a few seconds, or even less a second. In addition, rich content like images, videos can also be produced and shared with their friends in another country, which can not be imagined in the old days. Furthermore, people can have real-time interactive activities online, which contributes to the emergency of remote education, business, and even real-time family video.

Yet, still the current level of communication techniques can not replace traditional interactive approaches due to its basic constraints and probable threat. Mobile phone basically depends on singal processing technique. It can not work well in some places without any singal. Speaking of the internet, videos can not clearly show the changes on people's expression due to its dependence on internet singal. While face-to-face communication will not have these problems. People can fluently talk to each with different guestures, facial expressions. Most importantly, it makes people feel real exsistence, but not talking to a digital image. Apart from the ideas above, privacy violation is another consideration since many reports have shown that online activities could build a digitial soul reflecting the real characteristics of a person.

Perhaps there are truely some positive effects imposed by the telecommunication technique, however, it still can not change my preference over the traditional interactive approaches according to discussion mentioned above.

  小站教育老师批改后：

People encounter problems and issues throughout their lives, and being patient is always considered to be a wise practice. Nowadays, some people claim that patience is no longer a good thing and it sometimes lets opportunities slip, so taking action at once is usually a better choice. However, I cannot agree. In most cases, being patient continues to be a good strategy. 中规中矩如题快 亮的观点也明确  下次记得多花些心思在句型 词汇上面做好门面效果会更好哦】

Admittedly, being patient could make people miss opportunities, but it only happens when it comes to emergencies. When natural disasters happen, many people lose everything and become refugees. Some of them are trapped in burning houses or sinking cars, and we need to take actions at once instead of trying to figure out the best solutions. The time is so limited that taking any action will be better than taking no action at all. However, such situations do not happen frequently. Plus, rescuing people immediately without thinking carefully sometimes also brings unpleasant results.【说理很有层次 表达也流畅 不错 继续保持】

Being patient sometimes means waiting for the best chance to carry out a deliberate plan, and taking actions before the right time is an unwise practice. 【分论据这点总洁性要强 而且尽量要出彩】My father here is a good case in point. He used to plan to setup his own company when he was a college student. But he did not do it immediately, for he believed that he was not experienced enough and there was still much to learn. My father worked for a large company for three years to gain field experience. He also spent two years to find a like-minded sponsor. He did not start his own business before everything was ready, and that is why my father’s company runs quite well and makes large profits.【例子部分泼墨太多 论证部分就显得有些单薄】

Sometimes people take actions at once when they are in a bad mood, and being patient may help them avoid making terrible mistakes. 【两个分论点有电大 以至于有交叉】All parents want their children to do well at school, and they usually get upset if children fail to satisfy them. Some parents are not patient enough to allow children to learn from their mistakes, and they blame them violently. Being treated in an inappropriate way, children are very likely to become passive and diffident. Many young parents often regret that they hurt their children’s feelings. If they could be patient at first, some negative results can be avoided.【这段里面逻辑还挺好论证方法单一倒不是说不好你时间那么紧 ，用例子对比解释名言肯定更容易凑字数又显得逻辑号写得又快又好 何乐而不为。】

Even though we are living a life of a quicker rhythm, it is quite obvious that patience is still a good way to find the best solution to problems and issues or the wisest strategy to carry out our plans in most cases, and it would be an exaggeration to say that it is no longer a good choice.

整体还是不错的，关键在做好美化论证部分多样化点 。就没有什么大的问题了，知道你临近考试难免会紧张；其实托福外国阅卷人对我们的作文要求程度不是很高，不会像本国老师这么注重雕琢，他们追求的是自然流畅。你这篇文章就做到了。虽然不是特别出彩，但是结构逻辑神马的都符合了知道临近考试，不要有太大压力只要你勤加练习，托福分数一般都不会太低的。 

Level: GOOD (4.0–5.0)

ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK

>> Continue to improve your ability to express opinions by studying the ways that published writers express their opinions.

>> Read articles and essays written by professional writers that express opinions about an issue (for example, a social, environmental or educational issue).

>> Identify the writer’s opinion or opinions.

>> Notice how the writer addresses possible objections to the opinions, if the writer discusses these.

>>尽量多阅读范文，模仿好的文章中作者阐述论证观点的方式。

>>多阅读不同类型话题的文章，积累专业作家针对不同话题的观点内容。

>>可以多引用别人的观点内容。

>>阅读范文过程中，注意作者如何反向论证观点。