Question：
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is more enjoyable to have a job where you work only three days a week for shorter hours.
学生原文：
When it comes to the issue about whether or not it is happier to have a job that just work three days a week for longer hours than have a job where you work five days per week for shorter hours, people's opinion differs from person to person, culture to culture. Some people prefer working three days a week for longer hours, while others prefer the other way. On personal level, I support the latter. Among countless factors which contribute to my position, the following ones are conspicuous.
It is true that working three days per week for longer hours does has its own merits. First of all, people could have more days to travel. For example, working only three days means that you will have two more days as a weekend, which means that you can travel farer than two days tour. What an appealing reason, isn't it? However, when taking more factors into consideration, as far as I am concerned, disadvantages overweigh the benefits you could earn from it.
Although working only three days a week does have the above mentioned advantages that is seemingly profound, there lies intrinsic problem in it. For example, it is highly possible that people who just work three days cannot finish their job on the weekdays so that they have to work late. And working late is really harmful for their health. What's more, if you notice the benefits of working five days a week for shorter time, you will definitely choose it.
On the contrary to working three days a week, five days working will not make you feel so stressful. You can easily quote a simple example to illustrate this. If you have more five days to finish a project, you could have more time to think about it and will not be nervous about the tight schedule. Thus, you will do much better than people who just have three days to work, which means that you will have more chances to get a promotion.
Moreover, working shorter hours is much healthier than working longer hours. According to a survey conducted by the experts of Peking University, the rate of becoming sick of people who work five days a week for shorter hours is three times lower than the rate of people who work three days per week for longer hours. After all, healthy is the most important part of our life.
In summary, due to the above mentioned reasons, I reinforce my unshaken stand point that working five days per week for a shorter hours is better than working three days a week.
老师批改
When it comes to the issue about whether or not it is happier to have a job that just work three days a week[needs three days’ work a week] for longer hours than have a job where you work five days per week for shorter hours, people's opinion differs from person to person, culture to culture. Some people prefer working three days a week for longer hours, while others prefer the other way. On personal level, I support the latter. Among countless factors which contribute to my position, the following ones are conspicuous.
It is true that working three days per week for longer hours does has[have] its own merits. First of all【下文没有出现secondly, thirdly之类的词，此处则不适宜用first of all】, people could have more days to travel. For example, working only three days means that you will have two more days as a weekend, which means that you can travel farer[farther??far的比较级吗] than two days tour. What an appealing reason, isn't it? However, when taking more factors into consideration, as far as I am concerned, disadvantages overweigh the benefits you could earn from it.
Although working only three days a week does have the above mentioned advantages[其实上文就提到了一个advantage] that is seemingly profound, there lies intrinsic problem[problems] in it. For example, it is highly possible that people who just work three days cannot finish their job on the weekdays so that they have to work late. And working late is really harmful for their health. What's more, if you notice the benefits of working five days a week for shorter time, you will definitely choose it【什么样的benefits?说的不详细造成论据不是很充分】.
On the contrary【见下】 to working three days a week, five days working will not make you feel so stressful. You can easily quote a simple example to illustrate this. If you have more five days【见下】 to finish a project, you could have more time to think about it and will not be nervous about the tight schedule【虚拟语气用错】. Thus, you will do much better than people who just have three days to work, which means that you will have more chances to get a promotion.
Moreover, working【for】shorter hours is much healthier than working longer hours. According to a survey conducted by the experts of Peking University, the rate of becoming sick of people【?】 who work five days a week for shorter hours is three times lower than the rate of people who work three days per week for longer hours. After all, healthy is the most important part of our life.【论证比较单薄】
In summary, due to the above mentioned reasons, I reinforce my unshaken stand point that working five days per week for a[去掉] shorter hours is better than working three days a week.[结尾可以充实，而不是仅仅对观点的重申】
老师评语：
On the contrary:与……相反，通常用在句首用逗号隔开，表示转折关系。
Another和more的区别：another 5 days,5 days more.
结构可取；语言表达基本达意，打算论证比较单薄，似乎没有什么材料可写。
存在一定的基本语法错误。
预估分数：3.5
