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托福作文批改:汽车和飞机哪个对社会更有影响

托福写作批改前:

An increasing number of people begin to question that whether the car has had greater effect to society than the airplane has to. The thing is , which kind of transportation, the car or the airplane , has changed our world more. People may give various answers to this question. On balance, I fundamentally disagree with the statement that the car has had a greater effect to society than the airplane has to.

To begin with, I concede that the car servesas an important transportation that is of great value. After all, the car is more widely used and makes our daily life more convenient. The price of a car is much lower than that of a plane, which has made it possible for most of the family to buy their own car. Considering that only the rich can afford the costof a plane or often travel by plane, it is the car that affects our society a lot more. What’s more, the plane was designed for the long-distance trip, andthe car was used for the short-distance travel, which is more often seen in our daily life. So, in this case, it might seem that the car does have a greater effect to the society than the airplane has.

However,the effect and the functions of the airplane can’t be ignored. For one thing,the car can only shorten the time we spend on the trip, but the airplane can make some trips that were thought to be difficult or even impossible easy to realize. For example, it is now easy for us to travel between different continents and travel across the oceans, which can’t be realized simply by the car. It is actually the airplane that makes different countries more like a whole world nowadays. For the other thing, the airplane not only is an important transportation, but also has some other great values such as being used as the air force, which is an important arm of the services used in the modern warfare.

From what has been discussed above, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that we can not simply compare the effect the car or the plane has on our society. Both of them have strengths and weakness and have different types of functions. It is both of the car and the plane that make our world a better place for the human to live in.
 
小站作文批改后:

An increasing number of people begin to question that whether the car has had greater effect to society than the airplane has to. The thing is , [去掉逗号,被逗号孤立表示它是一个插入语,显然不可能这后两个部分都是插入语]which kind of transportation, the car or the airplane , has changed our world more. People may give various answers to this question. On balance, I fundamentally disagree with the statement that the car has had a greater effect to society than the airplane has to.

To begin with, I concede that the car serves as an important transportation that is of great value. After all, the car is more widely used and makes our daily life more convenient. The price of a car is much lower than that of a plane, which has made it possible for most of the family to buy their own car. Considering that only the rich can afford the cost of[去掉,afford a plane 已是完整的表达] a plane or often travel by plane, it is the car that affects our society a lot more. What’s more, the plane was designed for the long-distance trip, and the car was used for the short-distance travel, which is more often seen in our daily life. So, in this case, it might seem[连用两个表示猜测的情态动词,很没有底气] that the car does have[前面是两个猜测的词,而这里却用强调] a greater effect to the society than the airplane has.

However,the effect and the functions of the airplane can’t be ignored. For one thing,the car can only shorten the time we spend on the trip, but the airplane can make some trips that were[时态?] thought to be difficult or even impossible easy[不能这样用的] to realize. For example, it is now easy for us to travel between different continents and travel across the oceans, which can’t be realized simply by the car. It is actually the airplane that makes different countries more like a whole world nowadays. For the other thing, the airplane not only is an important transportation, but also has some other great values such as being used as the air force, which is an important arm of the services used in the modern warfare.

From what has been discussed above, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that we can not simply compare the effect the car or the plane has on our society. Both of them have strengths and weakness and have different types of functions. It is both of the car and the plane that make our world a better place for the human to live in. 

 文章结构清晰,逻辑严谨,表达流畅。

作者语言功底还是不错的,但是要注意一些细节。

 

Independent Task Level :Good
4.3 27

 



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