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托福写作批改:大家庭在现代社会中没有过去那么重要了

作文批改前:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? 

he extended family (grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles) is less important now than it was in the past.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

With the ever-increasing pace of development of science and technology, more and more people feel that their sense of belonging to the extended family starts to fade away. Thus, I do believe it is reasonable to argue that the importance of extended family is weaken nowadays.

First of all, advances in transportation largely reduces people’s affinity to extended family. In the past, since it would be troublesome to commute between places, kids tended to go to the most adjacent school and to find a job in their hometown after graduation, which made it a common practice for them to live with their extended family. However, with the advent of a variety of convenient vehicles ranging from high-speed rail to airplane, a vast majority of students select to attend a nonlocal, even foreign university. As a result, those segment of youngsters lose contact with their extend family spontaneously if they decide to work and live in a city away from their hometown. By that I mean, the improved transportation system brings about a ripple effect that increases the population mobility and then renders individuals more alienated to extended family indirectly. 

What’s more, when we need a favor, contemporary individuals are prone to seek help from professionals rather than extended family. For instance, extended family of yesteryear used to shoulder the responsibility to take care of babies, which might not be that good for kids’ growth because more often than not they did not specialize in child care. Consequently, a number of professional baby sisters appeared in the recent several decades and increasingly more parents began to turn to them for better services. This is just an epitome of housekeeping industry.  When there are better substitutions for extended family offered by professionals to take care of kids, to do the laundry and the dishes, , it’s likely that the cohesion of extended family becomes weaker than before.

From the perspective of social circle, the greatly improved importance of friends gradually outweigh that of extend families. Before the huge progress of communication, people had a rather circumscribed social network, which made the blood-based family bonds seem to be extremely important. Even so, personality clash between families occurred every once in a while because of the diversity of characteristics. But with the help of the phone and the Internet, people gained more means of expanding their social circle and making friends with ones who share the similar hobbies and personalities. Therefore, the niche in the social network occupied by extend families has now been taken up by friends, colleagues and even net friends to a large extent. 

To conclude, since people tend to live away from their extended family due to the advanced transportation and the roles played by extended families are being replaced by professionals in the field of household chores and various friends in the field of sociality respectively, it’s obvious that the extended family is becoming less important. 

小站作文批改后:

With the ever-increasing pace of development of science and technology, more and more people feel that their sense of belonging to the extended family starts to fade away. Thus, I do believe it is reasonable to argue that the importance of extended family is weaken[weakened] nowadays.

First of all, advances in transportation largely reduces[reduce] people’s affinity to extended family. In the past, since it would be troublesome to commute between places, kids tended to go to the most adjacent school and to find a job in their hometown after graduation, which made it a common practice for them to live with their extended family. However, with the advent of a variety of convenient vehicles ranging from high-speed rail to airplane, a vast majority of students select to attend a nonlocal, even foreign university. As a result, those segment of youngsters lose contact with their extend family spontaneously if they decide to work and live in a city away from their hometown. By that I mean, the improved transportation system brings about a ripple effect that increases the population mobility and then renders individuals more alienated to extended family indirectly. 

What’s more, when we need a favor, contemporary individuals are prone to seek help from professionals rather than extended family. For instance, extended family of yesteryear used to shoulder the responsibility to take care of babies, which might not be that good for kids’ growth because more often than not they did not specialize in child care. Consequently, a number of professional baby sisters appeared in the recent several decades and increasingly more parents began to turn to them for better services. This is just an epitome of housekeeping industry.  When there are better substitutions for extended family offered by professionals to take care of kids, to do the laundry and the dishes, , it’s likely that the cohesion of extended family becomes weaker than before.

From the perspective of social circle, the greatly improved importance of friends gradually outweigh that of extend families. Before the huge progress of communication, people had a rather circumscribed social network, which made the blood-based family bonds seem to be extremely important. Even so, personality clash between families occurred every once in a while because of the diversity of characteristics. But with the help of the phone and the Internet, people gained more means of expanding their social circle and making friends with ones who share the similar hobbies and personalities. Therefore, the niche in the social network occupied by extend families has now been taken up by friends, colleagues and even net friends to a large extent. 

To conclude, since people tend to live away from their extended family due to the advanced transportation and the roles played by extended families are being replaced by professionals in the field of household chores and various friends in the field of sociality respectively, it’s obvious that the extended family is becoming less important.

预估分数:4.5/28

语言表达能够很好的达意,可见基本功非常的好

结构清晰,层次分明,内容充实,继续保持

Level: GOOD (4.0–5.0)  
ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INDEPENDENT TASK
>> Continue to improve your ability to express opinions by studying the ways that published writers express their opinions.
>> Read articles and essays written by professional writers that express opinions about an issue (for example, asocial, environmental or educational issue).
>> Identify the writer’s opinion or opinions.
>> Notice how the writer addresses possible objections to the opinions, if the writer discusses these.
ADVICE FOR IMPROVEMENT OF INTERGRATED TASK
>> Continue to improve your ability to relate and convey information from two or more sources. For example, practice analyzing reading passages in English.
>> Read two articles or chapters on the same topic or issue, write a summary of each, and then explain the ways they are similar and the ways they are different.
>> Practice combining listening and reading by searching for readings related to talks and lectures with teacher or a friend.

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